Jewish World Review March 24, 2008 / 17 Adar II 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Peter O'Toole did interviews in New York Friday to publicize Showtime's season opener of The Tudors. The legendary drinker and womanizer will play the pope. He's really tired of people saying all the characters he plays are an extension of himself.
Heather Mills McCartney announced after her divorce Friday she's been hired by Donald Trump to judge his Miss USA pageant in April. She's the perfect choice. Last year's winner had a cocaine problem and this year the pageant's theme is gold-digging.
Los Angeles prosecutors filed criminal charges against two ladies who took out life insurance polices on homeless men last year, then ran them over in their cars. You could not do that today. The insurance payout wouldn't cover the cost of the gasoline.
San Francisco filed criminal charges against a tanker captain who spilled tons of oil in the bay last month. It poisoned the fish. It's a shame it didn't happen in a lake or a river where there are enough pharmaceuticals in the water to cure anything.
Florida police are trying to deduce why a stingray jumped onto a fishing boat off the Florida Keys Thursday and killed a woman in the front seat. There's only one logical conclusion. The reviews are in on Bindi Irwin's new show and they're not good.
State Department workers were caught snooping into the presidential candidates' passport files on Thursday. It's no surprise. The popularity of Rottweilers and pit bulls has led every neighborhood Peeping Tom to seek safe work with the government.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson endorsed Barack Obama for president Friday before a crowd in Oregon. The governor said he decided to support Obama because he spoke to us as adults. Usually people who like adult entertainment go for the Clintons.
Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright's anti-American sermons were discovered on the church's promotional DVD. It gets even worse. Under the new Writers Guild agreement, Osama bin Laden is entitled to a payment for every DVD Jeremiah Wright sells.
Barack Obama stood by Jeremiah Wright as a family friend Tuesday. The minister introduced Barack to his wife twenty years ago when he first moved to Chicago. Barack Obama would be in less political trouble right now if he had married Jane Fonda.
Barack Obama said his grandmother was a typical white person whose distrust of black strangers on the street is inbred. It's not true. She was never afraid of black strangers on the street until she recorded a rap album without giving Suge Knight his cut.
Charlie Rose hosted his PBS show with black eyes Thursday after he tripped and fell in New York while carrying a new computer. He sacrificed his face to save his MacBook. The hospital logged it under accidents that will never happen in Los Angeles.
The Baseball Players Union vowed Friday to investigate why no team has offered Barry Bonds a contract this year. The teams want to see how his federal trial comes out. The next home run Barry Bonds hits could be shot by prison guards for trying to escape.
Playgirl magazine offered Eliot Spitzer a million dollars to pose nude Thursday following the spectacular end of his political career. He's not about to show his ding-a-ling for one million dollars. That doesn't begin to cover what it cost him.
New York Governor Dave Paterson was confronted by angry husbands Thursday over his adulterous affairs. They can't attack a man who's legally blind. He can always say these women had the same shape and feel as his wife and it was an honest mistake.
New Jersey's ex-Governor Jim McGreevey said he had sex threesomes with his wife and driver. It's the third governor sex scandal. We knew there were pharmaceuticals in the drinking water but we had no idea how much of it is concentrated in the Hudson.
Michigan lawmakers went on vacation Thursday without rescheduling a Democratic primary. The adjournment drew cheers. They had a choice of going down in history by settling the presidential race or going on vacation and the vote wasn't even close.
Hillary Clinton was endorsed in Nevada Friday by Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel owner Dennis Hof. He's had a busy week. Whenever Dick Cheney goes to the Middle East, every B-52 pilot in Nevada heads to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch for one last fling.
Texas Christian University will honor Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright on Saturday. He has given anti-American sermons. If he prevents Barack Obama from being the next president, he faces a stiff fine from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.
Barack Obama admitted in his speech Tuesday he could no more disavow Reverend Jeremiah Wright than he could his own grandmother. He said the minister led him to Christ, conducted his wedding and baptized his girls. When a man is that close to your family, you are not going to let a little stay in Guantanamo come between you.
Barack Obama called his grandmother a typical white person Thursday, saying she dodged black people on the street. He has also said she used racial slurs. We've come a long way since Bill Clinton felt sorry for himself for being in the high school band.
Church of Christ members reminded the media Tuesday that Barack Obama's pastor represents the far more liberal United Church of Christ. The Church of Christ is evangelical and conservative. They define marriage as a union between two Republicans.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton