Jewish World Review March 19, 2008 / 12 Adar II 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tiger Woods sank a long putt Sunday to win the Arnold Palmer. He was so pumped up when the putt fell, he hurled his hat to the ground. No one would ever say he's on steroids but they're still digging to try to get the brim of the hat out of the ground.
Heather Mills was awarded forty-nine million dollars for her divorce from Paul McCartney, which came out to fourteen hundred an hour for their four-year marriage. The decision was easy for the judge. He simply called New York and got the going rate.
David Paterson was sworn in as New York's governor Monday by the state's Chief Justice. He got off to a great start. The governor got a standing ovation halfway through the oath of office when he said the word faithfully and his nose didn't grow.
JP Morgan bought Bear Stearns for two dollars per share Sunday, four days after the stock was selling at sixty-eight dollars a share. The Fed spent all weekend looking for a buyer. Everybody had their money tied up in their next tank of gasoline.
John McCain's campaign website put up an NCAA tournament bracket contest for prizes Monday. He's opened up a gambling site during Holy Week. He couldn't be taking the evangelical vote any more for granted if he were offering online evolution classes.
Barack Obama distanced himself from his pastor Jeremiah Wright Tuesday. The clergyman has given bitterly anti-American sermons, recorded on videotape. Jeremiah Wright is the only Church of Christ minister whose portrait is hanging in every cave in Afghanistan.
Bill Clinton told ABC News on Monday his wife's campaign gets a bum rap in the media. All the cable news networks are against her. Even ESPN shows Oklahoma cheerleaders in all their promos so the O on the sweater will be a subliminal ad for Obama.
Elton John will perform a concert for Hillary Clinton in New York in May. It's right after the Pennsylvania primary. If she wins it's a fundraiser, and if she loses, the concert will be preceded by a tearful eulogy delivered by the Earl of Spencer.
San Francisco filed charges Monday against the oil tanker pilot who spilled eighty thousand gallons in the bay last month. It was an environmental catastrophe. So many prospectors swam into the bay to pan for oil that the sewage caused a major fish kill.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton