Jewish World Review March 17, 2008 / 10 Adar II 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
New York holds its St. Patrick's Day Parade today with a million Irish marching along Fifth Avenue. It could be the merriest celebration in parade history. This year even people who don't drink get a prescription drug high from the drinking water.
The Los Angeles Dodgers and San Diego Padres played the first ballgame in China Sunday. They were sent for the same reason Southern California soldiers were chosen to lead the invasion of Iraq when Saddam was believed to have poison gas. We can breathe anything
Barack Obama's Chicago pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright was shown on tape Friday preaching that Hillary Clinton was never called the N-word. Talk about ignorant. The pastor has no idea how Arkansas people regarded Yankees as late as the Seventies.
Cal Berkeley scientists used magnetic resonance imaging Friday to read a man's mind. The big breakthrough came when they were finally able to locate a man's brain. In his last act as New York governor, Eliot Spitzer donated his body to science.
The New York Times said Friday Eliot Spitzer was still under FBI investigation. They want to see if he procured beautiful call girls with campaign donations. It took ten years, but it looks like Baby Boomers are finally getting the hang of the Internet.
Eliot Spitzer's call girl Ashley Dupre permitted the New York Post to publish her modeling photos on Friday. Her legal status is murky. For charging clients by the hour and screwing them she could face charges of practicing law without a license.
Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees for a spring training game with Pittsburgh Thursday. The comic is a great mimic. In the first inning he performed his new Eliot Spitzer impersonation by scoring and then resigning.
New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil reach a new high of a hundred ten dollars a barrel Thursday. It caused gasoline to hit four dollars a gallon on each coast. If gas gets any more expensive we're going to have to book our fill-ups through a pimp.
The New York Times identified Eliot Spitzer's call girl on Wednesday as Ashley Dupre. She's twenty-two. No one knows what she did for him that was worth forty-three hundred bucks, but Viagra just added resignation to its list of possible side effects.
Eliot Spitzer bought Ashley Dupre a train ticket to Washington for their paid sex romp. Talk about American ingenuity. Terrorists never dreamed you could put a weapon of mass destruction on a train and drive it right into the governor's mansion.
Ashley Dupre's recorded pop song was downloaded four million times after she met Eliot Spitzer at the Mayflower. She's on her way to a big recording career. Paris Hilton can't believe she owns a hundred thousand hotel rooms and never thought of this.
New York will swear in new governor David Paterson in Albany today. He has no shortage of help. There was a huge rush of job applicants last week after they read in the papers that serving under the governor paid four thousand dollars an hour.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton agreed on Friday to debate again in mid-April before the Pennsylvania Democratic primary. Their one-on-one debates have gotten huge ratings. If John McCain gets elected they're going to take Rachael Ray's time slot.
Hillary Clinton entertained congressional superdelegates at her Washington D.C. home Wednesday, where she served them cocktails and lobbied for their convention votes. However, the people who came uncommitted left uncommitted. It's a lot like her marriage.
John Daly was ejected from the Arnold Palmer tournament for missing a tee time Wednesday. He can bide his time. The PGA begins testing golfers for performance-enhancing drugs this July, and for the first time the self-destructive will have the moral high ground.
Hillary Clinton apologized to blacks Wednesday for her husband comparing Barack Obama to Jesse Jackson. She's disciplined. Hillary always refers to her husband in public as either the president, as Bill, or by his Secret Service code name, Client Number One.
Barack Obama's Chicago minister and spiritual counselor Jeremiah Wright went wild onstage Sunday and pantomimed a sex act between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. It was pretty low. Physical comedy is just a notch above song parodies.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton