Jewish World Review March 10, 2008 / 3 Adar II 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hollywood adult movie star Mary Carey said she's a new person after graduating from Celebrity Rehab Thursday. The rehab program is not all that strict. According to the show's rules, drinking in Mexico doesn't affect your American sobriety.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Friday league agents will make unannounced raids on NFL coaches boxes, team offices and stadium video booths. He's looking for any evidence of cheating. You'd think guys who make that much money would get a room.
The California Court of Appeals ruled Friday that parents can't home-school their kids unless they are licensed teachers. We're raising a generation of dictators. That's what happens when teenage boys are allowed to elect themselves King of the Prom.
Puerto Rico's Democratic Party will hold its presidential primary on the first of June. The island gets all the benefits of U.S. protection but they don't have to pay U.S. income taxes. Wesley Snipes's birthday is an official holiday in Puerto Rico.
Hillary Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson said Thursday Barack Obama was acting like Ken Starr. He's the special prosecutor who got her husband impeached for lying about sex. To this day Bill Clinton kicks himself for not lying us into a war instead.
Barack Obama's adviser Samantha Power resigned Friday after she called Hillary a monster. It broke a truce. The Clintons don't bring up Barack's drug use and the Obamas don't mention Hillary's genealogical connection to the von Frankenstein family.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke downplayed the threat of a recession and rising inflation rates Wednesday. He told congressmen that the American economy is back on its feet. That's just a nice way of saying that people are walking to save gas.
John McCain refused to say Friday how close he came to being John Kerry's running mate. However, they did have a long private conversation about whether it was better to withdraw or surge. All these guys with prostate problems have one thing on their minds.
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez threatened to invade Colombia Friday. This is cause for alarm. If war breaks out between Venezuela and Colombia, a military draft could leave Major League Baseball without one decent shortstop or second baseman.
Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre broke down crying at his press conference Thursday while announcing his retirement. He was overcome with emotion. Football players might have had to give up Human Growth Hormone but there's no ban on estrogen.
The Weather Channel reported a freak blizzard that hit Dallas Thursday. There was snow all over the landscape. It was a visual reminder that Colombia's been a strong U.S. trading partner since the Disco Era and deserves our support in its hour of danger.
Moscow topped New York with the most number of billionaires in the Forbes magazine list. Moscow beat New York seventy-four billionaires to seventy-one billionaires. Everyone's best guess is that Isiah Thomas was coaching the the New York billionaires.
Barack Obama demanded Hillary release her tax returns Thursday. It's the right time for him to drop his savior act and act like a politician. The only way to get Pennsylvanians to shout out the name of Jesus Christ is to bring up the Eagles' season.
Hillary Clinton's campaign reacted Thursday to Barack Obama's questions about her tax returns by calling him another Kenneth Starr. We would be spared the sordid details this time. Monica Lewinsky just graduated from the London School of Economics and there's no way she's going to fall for that offer-of-immunity trick a second time.
U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner said Wednesday that Roger Clemens should get a pass for lying to Congress in House testimony because it's not that serious an offense. The ballplayer was merely showing good manners. The general feeling is, when in Rome.
Bill Clinton gave photographers a thumbs up as he went for a walk with Hillary in Rock Creek Park in Washington D.C. Thursday. He's being kept under wraps. Later he issued a statement apologizing for any pain that may have been caused by his thumb.
The Agriculture Department Thursday reconsidered plans to put video cameras in cattle slaughterhouses. It was a nice try. Animal rights activists were alerted to the plan after they heard that the CBS fall schedule included a show called Survivor Omaha.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton