Jewish World Review March 7, 2008 / 30 Adar I 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Iditarod got underway in Alaska Saturday amid a drug scandal. Sled drivers blow marijuana in the dogs' faces to calm them down. Maybe now they'll stop blaming the vanishing wildlife there on the oil companies and start blaming it on the munchies.
The Grand Canyon was intentionally flooded Wednesday when Colorado River locks were thrown open by civil engineers. It was the fastest way to clear away all the real estate agents and stock brokers piling up down there. There's only so many mules.
Bret Favre retired Tuesday after seventeen Hall-of-Fame seasons with the Green Bay Packers. Blame it on the Democrats. Wisconsin has such an efficient cradle-to-grave welfare system that everybody in the state is able to retire at thirty-eight.
Mississippi holds a primary Tuesday with thirty-three Democratic delegates at stake. The Census says Mississippi's population is sixty percent white and forty percent black. That means Hillary has four days to get the Voting Rights Act repealed.
Beverly Hills private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping Hollywood movie stars in lawsuits. The FBI isn't involved. If Sylvester Stallone is constructing a bomb, that's strictly between the studio and theater owners.
Mary Carey graduated from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Wednesday. She was both a porno movie star and a California governor candidate. So her opinion carries weight when she says Hillary would photograph better if she were on top of the ticket.
Hillary Clinton said Wednesday she could share a ticket with Barack Obama. The problem is with stereotypes. He refuses to be her driver and she refuses to be his secretary and Michelle Obama refuses to sit in the back of the bus with Bill Clinton.
Barack Obama warned he will raise questions about Hillary's financial dealings, saying she started it. She brought up a shady real estate deal he transacted with crooked donor Tony Rezko back in Chicago. There is always one disciple who goes wrong.
Barack Obama said Hillary Clinton's appearance on Saturday Night Live helped her beat him Tuesday. It's taken sixteen years for Hillary to make humor work for her, not against her. Young people could never comprehend the number of jokes at the expense of Polish people, dumb blondes, and Texas Aggies before the Clintons came along.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton