Jewish World Review March 5, 2008 / 28 Adar I 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez on Sunday threatened to take Venezuela to war with Colombia. It's alarming. If Hugo Chavez is able to get control of both the oil and the cocaine in the Western Hemisphere he can take California away from Mexico.
American Idol judge Simon Cowell Monday turned down a two million dollar offer to be Viagra's spokesman in Britain. Last year England began selling the drug over the counter. Since then the sales are off but the counters have gone through the roof.
The Pittsburgh Pirates set aside all-you can-eat sections in the ball park for all games this season. It's where fans can eat for free for forty dollars a ticket. Structural engineers think it's cheaper to let the stadium collapse than to implode it.
Barack Obama was forced to explain Monday how he bought his home through indicted Chicago businessman and fundraiser Tony Rezko. It goes with the territory. When Hillary Clinton played church softball growing up in Chicago, she led the league in crooked real estate deals.
Hillary Clinton said Monday this is a wartime election and that in her opinion, Democrats don't talk about that enough. War is a serious business. She's doubled her number of appearances on NBC's Saturday Night Live just to stress the urgency of it.
Barack Obama told an Ohio rally Sunday that he prays to Jesus nightly. So much for candidates distancing themselves from President Bush. Not only did Hillary vote for Bush's war but Obama consults regularly with Bush's favorite political philosopher.
Barack Obama's economic advisor secretly met with Canadian officials last week to assure them he won't change NAFTA as he promised in Ohio. It's no big deal. He was just doing what all politicians do, but his followers nearly choked on their Kool-Aid.
Senator Larry Craig took out an ad last week to hire an intern for his few remaining months in office. The ad said it's a great opportunity to learn, but after a week no one had answered it. This put a real dent in Out magazine's classified ad success rate.
Occidental Petroleum fought the Bureau of Land Management Monday to drill in central California. A possibly huge oil field is a protected habitat for the kangaroo rat. As soon as gas reaches four dollars a gallon the kangaroo rat will be a fuel additive.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton