Jewish World Review March 3, 2008 / 26 Adar I 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Prince Harry was shown on TV scattering Taliban fighters with his machine gun in Afghanistan. His commanders raved about his courage under fire. The prince trained for the war in Afghanistan by standing between his mother and father when he was four.
Roger Clemens faces an investigation this week for lying to Congress about steroid use. It's really ugly. Testimony indicates he attended a party at Jose Canseco's house where Mrs. Canseco and Mrs. Clemens compared breast sizes, and their husbands won.
Prince Harry was revealed by a tabloid Thursday to be fighting on the front line in Afghanistan. The prince was deployed to Afghanistan as a second option. They wanted to send him to Promises in Malibu to get sober but there's less heroin in Afghanistan.
John McCain was reported Thursday to have been born in Panama. Our three choices are a Kenyan, a Panamanian and a woman linked to Bill Clinton. The reason they ran for president is because not one of them could pass the background check to be a nanny.
The Democratic Party candidates debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama drew a record eight million viewers for MSNBC. It's no surprise. Ever since colonial times, witch burnings have been an effective stunt during the February ratings sweeps.
Hillary Clinton said she raised thirty-five million dollars in February. She's finally gotten the hang of Internet fundraising. It turns out the only three ways to make money on the Internet are pornography, gambling and promising free health care.
Michelle Obama accused Republicans Thursday of fear-mongering by repeating her husband's middle name, Hussein. What's happened to America? Before either Bush became president, King Hussein and Saddam Hussein were two of our best friends in the region.
Hillary Clinton asks in a new ad whom you want as president if the White House phone rings at three in the morning. Only she knows how to handle that call. Nine times out of ten it's just Bill saying don't believe what it says in the morning paper.
Michelle Obama accused Republicans Thursday of fear-mongering by repeating her husband's middle name, Hussein. It's all an accident. At the time his parents named him Hussein they didn't think that would be the reason he would never become president.
Barack Obama picked up the presidential endorsement of Senator Jay Rockefeller on Friday. He's the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and the great-grandson of the founder of Exxon Mobil Oil Company. Sometimes Ralph Nader has a point.
Ralph Nader announced his presidential candidacy on NBC's Meet the Press last Sunday and then named a follower his running mate. There's no truth to the rumor he will hold his nominating convention in a garage. No comedian can stand a half-filled room.
Wall Street plunged Friday on bad news about the mortgage crisis, inflation, gas prices, joblessness and credit card debt. It's all falling into place. The president's new plan to defeat the terrorists is to lure them into following us home.
Victoria's Secret executives announced Thursday the lingerie chain will totally retool its marketing image and begin selling less sexy underwear. Sales have been plummeting recently. Britney Spears killed underwear the way Jack Kennedy killed hats.
CBS signed a deal to air Mixed Martial Arts bouts in April. The sport's bloody and barefisted and allows judo, karate, wrestling, boxing and kickboxing. Of all the ideas CBS has had to boost Katie Couric's ratings, this is the one that might work.
Great Britain's judicial office said Thursday the judgment in Paul McCartney's divorce case will be announced in two weeks. Everyone's watching. It could be the most expensive divorce in British history, if you don't count the American Revolution.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton