Jewish World Review March 23, 2007 / 4 Nissan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Heather Mills McCartney danced on ABC's Dancing with the Stars Monday. Her leg did not go flying off as advertised. After her number each of the three judges held up a six, confirming everything the London tabloids have written about her parentage.
Barry Bonds ended an excellent spring training and flew home to San Francisco Sunday. He can't be gone from home too long. Every other morning the Sparkletts guy drops by his house and delivers a five-gallon container filled with clean urine.
The Grand Canyon's Hualapai Indians opened their new glass-bottom walkway Tuesday, giving tourists a bird's-eye view of the canyon for twenty-five dollars. It's a fair price to pay for the spectacular show thousands of feet below. Tom Dreesen will perform anywhere.
Russia ordered home their nuclear technicians from Iran Tuesday because Iran won't pay its bills. It's unbelievable that they can't pay their bills when gas is three dollars a gallon. Their theocracy can't balance a budget any better than ours.
Al Gore testified Wednesday to House and Senate committees about the dangers of global warming. It was earnest.`He recommended vehicles that run on batteries and invited everybody to open the door in his back and see how lightweight they are.
Bill Richardson said Tuesday if he's elected president he will meet with Hugo Chavez and with the leaders of Iran and Syria. He's got no chance. Bill Richardson joined the race too late to be included in everybody's brackets of sixty-four candidates.
The World Cricket Cup was saddened on Sunday when Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer died after losing a match. He was a great coach. The Pakistani team was beaten by three wickets and yet they still wouldn't reveal where Osama bin Laden is hiding.
Al Gore testified before the House Energy and Commerce Committee Wednesday. He brought with him five hundred thousand postcards demanding real action on global warming, all crammed inside in a huge duffel bag. Only his old boss got more in the sack.
The Food and Drug Administration warned Monday of tainted dog food sold nationwide, which when eaten causes kidney failure and death. The warning left every American asking one question. What on earth could a dog do to anger Vladimir Putin?
The Los Angeles Dodgers sent pitcher Matt White to their Las Vegas farm team Monday. He owns land containing two billion dollars worth of construction stone. George Steinbrenner just offered the Dodgers Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter for Matt White and a half-price discount on all building materials for New Yankee Stadium.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton