Jewish World Review March 21, 2007 / 2 Nissan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Bally Fitness Centers lost half its share value on Wall Street Friday as the company teetered on bankruptcy. The stock price lost ninety percent in one year. If they could promise you results like that, they might not be going out of business.
Columbia University reported a survey on college student behavior Friday. It revealed that half of all college students binge drink or take drugs. Adults are really apologetic, but there's no other way to get them to pose for Girls Gone Wild.
Chiquita agreed Friday to pay a twenty-five million dollar fine for hiring cocaine plantation guards to protect their bananas. Those guards should not be moonlighting. It is a felony in Colombia to take your eye off the eight-ball.
Al Gore will appear on Capitol Hill on Wednesday to testify about the threat of global warming. He wants the federal government to halt global warming before it is too late. If the coastlines are submerged he will never get elected president.
Senator Barack Obama drew ten thousand people to an outdoor plaza in Oakland Saturday for a pep rally. He promised the crowd that his campaign is a vehicle for their hopes and dreams. Anybody can draw ten thousand people if they give away cars.
The House of Commons tried to ban all hereditary seats in the House of Lords Friday. The new multicultural Britain has no respect for the older ruling class. In America this battle was known as Welcome Back Kotter and was over in four seasons.
Washington D.C. madam Deborah Palfrey was allowed Friday to give her client list to the press. Lawmakers on Capitol Hill are said to be terrified. Let's hope the voters in South Carolina and Oklahoma appreciate all the fear because they may be the last two states in the union where a hooker scandal could hurt the candidate.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton