Jewish World Review March 2, 2007 / 12 Adar, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Florida's Court of Appeals ruled Wednesday that Anna Nicole Smith's body may be buried in the Bahamas instead of Texas. The sooner the better. Anna Nicole Smith has been on ice for so long that e-Harmony just set her up with Ted Williams.
Barry Bonds told radio listeners Wednesday he's stand-offish because he gets a lot of death threats. He didn't spend very much time in the Seventies. When these guys who sell banned substances say they want the money by Friday they mean Friday.
The White House agreed Tuesday to attend a peace meeting hosted by Iraq that includes Iran and Syria. The administration is clearly wearing down. The Bush Doctrine now states that you're either with us or we'll be right over with the money.
Wall Street roared back Wednesday after a four-hundred-point drop in the Dow on Tuesday. It dropped two hundred points in the last minute of trading. It was so unstable they had to check Britney Spears out of rehab to ring the closing bell.
Heather Mills McCartney said Wednesday she hopes her prosthetic leg stays on during her performance on Dancing with the Stars. She said it would be funny if it flies off. What we don't know is how the Washington Post will blame it on Walter Reed Army Hospital.
John McCain announced for president on David Letterman's show Wednesday. However, his formal announcement isn't until April. These days if you want to run for president you have to clear it with the comedians before you run it by the public.
The Washington Post poll showed Hillary Clinton lost black voters to Barack Obama last month. She's nothing if not adaptable. Hillary was last seen trilling her consonants and putting the finishing touches on her new book It Takes a Pueblo.
Terror suspect Jose Padilla was ruled competent to stand trial Wednesday. He is accused of trying to detonate a dirty bomb on U.S. soil. His name was also Abdullah al-Muhajir but he went by Jose Padilla so he could cross the U.S. border with impunity.
U.S. Intelligence Chief Mike McConnell told the Senate that Osama bin Laden is setting up new terror camps in Pakistan. It's where they train rookie terrorists. The most promising thugs from the NBA's All-Star weekend are invited to camp on full scholarship.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton