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Jewish World Review
March 5, 2007
/ 15 Adar, 5767
Airlines to offer “fuel for purchase” option
By
Andy Borowitz
Latest cost-cutting move for cash-strapped carriers
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
In the latest cost-cutting move intended to rescue the beleaguered airlines industry, representatives of the nation's major carriers announced today that they would no longer offer complimentary jet fuel but that such fuel would be available for purchase on board most domestic flights.
American Airlines spokesperson Carol Foyler announced the company's decision to institute a "fuel for purchase" option at a press conference in Chicago, arguing that such a move was "long overdue."
"The reason airplanes use so much fuel is that the passengers weigh them down," Ms. Foyler said. "Especially the fatties."
Ms. Foyler said that the decision to move to a "fuel for purchase" system sent a strong signal that "it's time for passengers to stop being part of the problem and start being part of the solution."
The airlines spokesperson said that once a flight has departed, flight attendants will ask the passengers to chip in for the fuel necessary to reach their final destination.
"If you're on a transcontinental flight, the choice will be the consumer's," she said. "Do you want to go all the way from New York to Los Angeles, or will you settle for Cleveland?"
Davis Logsdon, a professor at the University of Minnesota's Beleaguered Industries Institute said that the major airlines' decision to instate a "fuel for purchase" program might drive consumers elsewhere.
"Passengers who don't want to spring for in-flight fuel could opt to fly JetBlue, which never takes off to begin with," he said.
Elsewhere, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) praised Sen. Hillary Clinton for adopting his anti-war position, "and my pro-war one, too."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2007, Andy Borowitz
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