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Sept. 4, 2008

Ron Kampeas: Biden, Palin take lead in clash on Mideast issues

Bruce Dancis: With humor as their weapon, the Three Stooges took on Hitler

Sept. 3, 2008

Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg: Productive school years don't just happen

The Kosher Gourmet by Linda Gassenheimer: Quick lamb stew serves up flavors of India

Sept. 2, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Costly Advice

Caroline B. Glick: Calling Israel's bluff

JWisdom: Wandering in Wonder by Rabbi Mordechai Becher

August 29, 2008

Rabbi Berel Wein: 20/20 sightlessness

Caroline B. Glick: When history is not repeated

JWisdom: Blessed or Cursed: It's Really Up to You by Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

August 28, 2008

Steve Lipman: A Comeback for the 'Jewish Jordan'

Jeffrey Weiss: Researcher reports 'intriguing' diabetes breakthrough

August 27, 2008

Rabbi Zecharya Greenwald: Removing the perfectionist's mask

The Kosher Gourmet by Emily Nunn: Summer harvest linguine

JWisdom:: The Missing Link in Spiritual Life by Rabbi David Aaron

August 26, 2008

Yaffa Ganz: Grandma gets lessons in staying cool

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: The Dems' 'soft' jihadist

JWisdom:: Today: Holocaust in the Perspective of Faith by Rabbi Nosson Scherman: Plague of indifference

August 25, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Q: A friend is bearing a silly grudge from a supposed wrong. What recourse do I have?

Daniel Pipes: Barack Obama through Muslim Eyes

JWisdom:: The knowledge you need to overcome your insecurities by Malka Schulman

August 22, 2008

Rabbi Berel Wein: Life's essential ingredient

Caroline B. Glick: Dominos anyone?

JWisdom:: Actually, Do Sweat the Small Stuff! by Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

August 21, 2008

Today in Biblical History by Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Popularization of Kabbalah: 20 Menachem-Av 1558 CE

Jonathan Rosenblum: Lessons from the Beyond

JWisdom: : The Olympian within is rooting for you -- yes, you! –- to go for the gold

August 20, 2008

Jonathan Tobin: Misleading Platform Platitudes

The Kosher Gourmet by Linda Gassenheimer: Chicken Salad with Asian Dressing

JWisdom: The Holocaust in the Perspective of Faith: America's Defense of the Jews --- Until WWII by Rabbi Nosson Scherman

August 19, 2008

Dennis Prager: If the Almighty doesn't exist

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Obama's Islamist problem has nothing to do with his upbringing

JWisdom: Think your life is messed up? by Rabbi David Aaron

August 18, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Business with Friends

Diana West: Roars About Russia, Bare Whispers About Islam

JWisdom: Relationship agony: The real cause by Malka Schulman

August 15, 2008

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski: To love the Divine

Caroline B. Glick: Georgia, Israel, and the nature of man

JWisdom: The Truly Righteous Don't Demand Entitlements by Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

August 14, 2008

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Confessions of broken spirit

Libby Lazewnik: The Numbers Game

JWisdom: Six Questions You'll Be Asked in Heaven? - Uh - Let's Just Take One for Now! by Gavriel Aryeh Sanders

August 13, 2008

Jonathan Tobin: Georgia should be on their minds

The Kosher Gourmet by Linda Gassenheimer: Go Greek: Pair flavorful lamb kebabs with a hearty salad

JWisdom: Human hybrids aren't science fiction by Rabbi David Aaron

August 12, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: Bless us

Daniel Pipes: The West's Islamist Infiltrators

JWisdom: From Sadness to Gladness: The Route from Tisha b'Av to Rosh Hashana by Rabbi Mordechai Becher

August 11, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: A Jewish view on fair pricing

Caroline B. Glick: Ignoring failure in Gaza

JWisdom: 'Communication' Is Not The Answer! by Malka Schulman

August 7, 2008

Rabbi David Gutterman: A Continuing Story With a Sustaining Goal

Rabbi Berel Wein: Mourning and morning

JWisdom: Yes, we are still in exile by Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

August 6, 2008

David Ashenfelter: Government made military engineer's life a living hell because of his faith, Defense Department report documents

Jonathan Tobin: Speak the Truth; Defeat the Lies

JWisdom: Jewish Spirituality: Fusion or Confusion? by Rabbi David Aaron

August 5, 2008

Chris Leppek: Church/state wall beginning to crumble?

Paul Greenberg: Exit Olmert (no encore, please)

JWisdom: Serenity: Make the commitment by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin (Read by Gavriel Sanders)

August 4, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Am I taking advantage of another's psychological quirk?

Andrew Silow-Carroll: A black and a Jew walk into the White House…

JWisdom: The Holocaust in the Perspective of Faith: Edward R. Morrow visits the ‘living dead’ by Rabbi Nosson Scherman

March 22, 2007

J-Rhythms with Avraham Rosenblum: JWR's cutting-edge music program showcasing performers -- singers, song writers, musicians, and bands -- who learn and live the Torah lifestyle (OUR NEWEST IGODCAST !)

Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review March 31, 2006 / 2 Nissan, 5766

Directory Persistence ... in which I stalk a smooth operator

By Gene Weingarten


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The other day I dialed 411, Verizon national directory assistance.

Female Robot Voice: City and state, please.

Me: Montm . . . oh, wait, no, the city is Washington, D.C.

FRV: Sorry, I didn't get that. (Slightly scolding tone) What city and state, please?

Me: (Obediently) Wash. Ing. Ton. Dee. See.

FRV: Say the name of the business you want, or say "residence."

Me: Montmartre. It's a restaur . . .

FRV: Okay, you want Baltimore County trash collection? Is that right?

Me: Aaaaarrgh!

FRV: Sorry, I didn't get that. Please say the name of the business, or say "residence."

Me: (Fuming silence)

FRV: (Slightly scolding tone) Okay, please hold for an operator.

Live Female Human Operator: City and state, please.

Me: I hate that woman!

LFHO: I hate that woman, too!

Me: She never gets anything right!

LFHO: I know! It's awful.

Me: And if you, like, cough, or stammer, or hesitate, or heaven forbid, pronounce a French name correctly, she doesn't understand, and her tone of voice gets all snippy.

LFHO: And then we have to do it anyway and deal with people who are angry.

Me: I like you more!

LFHO: I like you more, too!

This moment of intense human bonding was brought to you by Verizon. I have had similar conversations with operators before — they all hate that voice — but this particular conversation went on a few seconds more, and it almost changed everything.

Me: Who is that woman, anyway?

LFHO: They call her Darby. I think it's an acronym for something.

I thought: "Directory Assistance Robot But Youonyouownsucka." But then I did a little research. I discovered that Darby is not an acronym but a person, a voice actress named Darby Bailey. I Googled her picture. Darby Bailey is very, very cute.

And that gave me an idea, a kind of romantic idea. I would track down Darby, the woman I have hated for these last several years, and discover her to be a nice person, someone who merely lent her very expressive voice to a flawed electronic system. I worried about seeming like a stalker, though, until I hatched a plan. I learned what city Darby lived in and called Verizon 411. Darby answered, of course. I asked her for her home phone number. And Darby gave it to me.

When a woman gives you her phone number, you're cool, right?

So I called, and Darby's voice answered.

"Hi, this is Darby. Please leave a message."

It was almost thrilling: There was that same no-nonsense voice, but it was acknowledging her humanity. I left a message.

I missed the callback, but my voice mail took it. It was not Darby but a guy named Gary Clayton, who informed me that he was strictly prohibiting Darby from speaking for publication. "I need to put myself between her and the public," he said, stiffly, leaving no callback number.

A quick check showed me that Gary is the chief creative officer of Tellme Networks, which created the voice recognition software that employs Darby's voice and sells it to Verizon. I knew that if I could just reach him, I could convince him that I didn't hate Darby — that I could learn to love her if I could just talk to her and not some incompetent, shrewish, robotic version of her. So I called Tellme Networks.

Darby answered.

I didn't expect that, but it made sense. Why wouldn't she be the robot voice of Tellme, too?

Oh, man. I was nervous now. I very carefully pronounced Ga-ree Clay-ton, and Darby switched me. Then she came back on the line and told me that he was busy. Should she try again? For callbacks, she makes you repeat the name. So I did. Still busy. We tried again 14 times over 15 minutes, and each time Ga-ree was busy. It occurred to me that he was stiff-arming me. Finally, Darby asked again, and I said, "Oh, for God's sake!"

And Darby said: "Okay, calling Scott Strain."

And I said, "Ah, no! Just help me reach . . ."

And Darby said: "Okay, calling Alfred Lind."

I hung up. I was laughing, but I was also angry.

I hate Darby. I just do.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.


Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.


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