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Jewish World Review March 31, 2006 / 2 Nissan, 5766 Directory Persistence ... in which I stalk a smooth operator By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The other day I dialed 411, Verizon national directory assistance. Female Robot Voice: City and state, please. Me: Montm . . . oh, wait, no, the city is Washington, D.C. FRV: Sorry, I didn't get that. (Slightly scolding tone) What city and state, please? Me: (Obediently) Wash. Ing. Ton. Dee. See. FRV: Say the name of the business you want, or say "residence." Me: Montmartre. It's a restaur . . . FRV: Okay, you want Baltimore County trash collection? Is that right? Me: Aaaaarrgh! FRV: Sorry, I didn't get that. Please say the name of the business, or say "residence." Me: (Fuming silence) FRV: (Slightly scolding tone) Okay, please hold for an operator. Live Female Human Operator: City and state, please. Me: I hate that woman! LFHO: I hate that woman, too! Me: She never gets anything right! LFHO: I know! It's awful. Me: And if you, like, cough, or stammer, or hesitate, or heaven forbid, pronounce a French name correctly, she doesn't understand, and her tone of voice gets all snippy. LFHO: And then we have to do it anyway and deal with people who are angry. Me: I like you more! LFHO: I like you more, too! This moment of intense human bonding was brought to you by Verizon. I have had similar conversations with operators before — they all hate that voice — but this particular conversation went on a few seconds more, and it almost changed everything. Me: Who is that woman, anyway? LFHO: They call her Darby. I think it's an acronym for something. I thought: "Directory Assistance Robot But Youonyouownsucka." But then I did a little research. I discovered that Darby is not an acronym but a person, a voice actress named Darby Bailey. I Googled her picture. Darby Bailey is very, very cute. And that gave me an idea, a kind of romantic idea. I would track down Darby, the woman I have hated for these last several years, and discover her to be a nice person, someone who merely lent her very expressive voice to a flawed electronic system. I worried about seeming like a stalker, though, until I hatched a plan. I learned what city Darby lived in and called Verizon 411. Darby answered, of course. I asked her for her home phone number. And Darby gave it to me. When a woman gives you her phone number, you're cool, right? So I called, and Darby's voice answered. "Hi, this is Darby. Please leave a message." It was almost thrilling: There was that same no-nonsense voice, but it was acknowledging her humanity. I left a message. I missed the callback, but my voice mail took it. It was not Darby but a guy named Gary Clayton, who informed me that he was strictly prohibiting Darby from speaking for publication. "I need to put myself between her and the public," he said, stiffly, leaving no callback number. A quick check showed me that Gary is the chief creative officer of Tellme Networks, which created the voice recognition software that employs Darby's voice and sells it to Verizon. I knew that if I could just reach him, I could convince him that I didn't hate Darby — that I could learn to love her if I could just talk to her and not some incompetent, shrewish, robotic version of her. So I called Tellme Networks. Darby answered. I didn't expect that, but it made sense. Why wouldn't she be the robot voice of Tellme, too? Oh, man. I was nervous now. I very carefully pronounced Ga-ree Clay-ton, and Darby switched me. Then she came back on the line and told me that he was busy. Should she try again? For callbacks, she makes you repeat the name. So I did. Still busy. We tried again 14 times over 15 minutes, and each time Ga-ree was busy. It occurred to me that he was stiff-arming me. Finally, Darby asked again, and I said, "Oh, for God's sake!" And Darby said: "Okay, calling Scott Strain." And I said, "Ah, no! Just help me reach . . ." And Darby said: "Okay, calling Alfred Lind." I hung up. I was laughing, but I was also angry. I hate Darby. I just do. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
© 2006 WPWG |
Mitch Albom | |||||||||||
