Jewish World Review March 22, 2006 / 22 Adar, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones signed egomaniacal
superstar Terrell Owens last weekend. The inmates are running the
asylum now. Bill Parcells would worry about losing his job to
somebody who can control this team but Udey Hussein is dead.
NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue said Monday he will retire
in August, leaving the door open for Secretary of State Condi Rice
to fulfill her dream of becoming football commissioner. The
country will never stand for it. This is an important job.
Terry Bradshaw drew critical raves for the movie Failure to
Launch. He takes life as it comes. Until Terry Bradshaw was forty
he thought it was a coincidence that the door opens every time he
steps on the rubber mat walking into the grocery store.
Senator Russ Feingold's move to censure President Bush last
week turned into a Democratic party campaign strategy debate over
whether to press for impeachment. Democrats can run on a promise
to impeach President Bush but that's not going to get them
elected. Nobody trusts them to keep a campaign promise.
Democratic Congressman Martin Sabo of Minnesota announced
his retirement Monday after forty-six years in politics. He said
Congress has become too polarized, and it's true. HBO is adding
more nudity to The Sopranos because the violence can't compete
with the House of Representatives.
The White House said Monday it is likely that bird flu will
be detected in the U.S. this year. They said they have a plan to
increase the monitoring of migratory birds. Don't ask what the
NSA's going to spend to translate the recordings.
Don Rumsfeld on Sunday compared pulling U.S. troops out of
Iraq to giving postwar Germany back to the Nazis. He's out of his
depth here. Comparing anything to the Nazis is a delicate business
and should only be attempted by professional comedians.
Dell Computers outsourced twenty thousand more jobs to India on Monday. They added manufacturing jobs to the existing call- center jobs. In this week's office pool, Michael Dell has Bombay and Calcutta and New Delhi and Bangalore in his Final Four bracket.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton