Jewish World Review March 20, 2006 / 20 Adar, 5766

And now for the important news ....

By Argus Hamilton

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Los Angeles suburb Calabasas last week became the first community in America to ban smoking everywhere. Local resident Robert Blake feels so persecuted. First he's told it is against the law to kill his wife and now he can't have a cigarette afterwards.

Newsweek reported Friday that advertisers will spend a half billion dollars on the NCAA tournament. It's a competitive market. According to polls, basketball is America's second favorite indoor sport, but the other one has more spectators on the Internet.

St. Patrick's Day was celebrated with a parade in New York on Friday as Mayor Bloomberg urged people to drink moderately. It was strictly enforced. Every New York cop keeps a case of Old Moderately in the patrol car just for St Patrick's Day.

Susan Sarandon said Friday she is disappointed in Hillary Clinton and thinks she doesn't belong in the White House. She said Hillary's too centrist. This is the scene on Animal Planet where Democrats, within sight of victory, eat each other.

Justice Antonin Scalia denounced the Supreme Court on Wednesday for overturning a law in Texas that bans sodomy. These anti-sodomy laws are on the books for a reason. They might be the last thing protecting the Alaskan caribou from drilling.

Michael Jackson announced Friday he's completely closed down the house at Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara and laid off all the employees who lived there and worked there. It is just as well. The neighbors stopped believing it was a public school long ago.

Jessica Simpson went to Capitol Hill Thursday to lobby Congress on behalf of her charity, Operation Smile. The lawmakers had just increased the debt ceiling to nine trillion dollars. You can't spend that kind of money and not draw blondes.

The House of Representatives debated budget and appropriations bills Thursday and approved an extra billion dollars to help Americans who are broke pay for energy. That's not enough. Starbucks is four dollars a cup and cocaine is no bargain.

Mexican president Vicente Fox climbed on top of an offshore rig Thursday and announced a ten-billion-barrel oil strike in the Gulf of Mexico. You can already imagine the gasoline commercials. Your SUV will look years younger with Oil of Ole.

The FBI selected Lockheed Martin to build its new five- hundred-million-dollar computer system. The aerospace company wasn't the first choice. Lockheed Martin doesn't know a thing about building computers but Dubai Computer World wants too much money.