Jewish World Review March 20, 2006 / 20 Adar, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles suburb Calabasas last week became the first
community in America to ban smoking everywhere. Local resident
Robert Blake feels so persecuted. First he's told it is against
the law to kill his wife and now he can't have a cigarette afterwards.
Newsweek reported Friday that advertisers will spend a half
billion dollars on the NCAA tournament. It's a competitive market.
According to polls, basketball is America's second favorite indoor
sport, but the other one has more spectators on the Internet.
St. Patrick's Day was celebrated with a parade in New York
on Friday as Mayor Bloomberg urged people to drink moderately. It
was strictly enforced. Every New York cop keeps a case of Old
Moderately in the patrol car just for St Patrick's Day.
Susan Sarandon said Friday she is disappointed in Hillary
Clinton and thinks she doesn't belong in the White House. She said
Hillary's too centrist. This is the scene on Animal Planet where
Democrats, within sight of victory, eat each other.
Justice Antonin Scalia denounced the Supreme Court on
Wednesday for overturning a law in Texas that bans sodomy. These
anti-sodomy laws are on the books for a reason. They might be the
last thing protecting the Alaskan caribou from drilling.
Michael Jackson announced Friday he's completely closed down
the house at Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara and laid off all the
employees who lived there and worked there. It is just as well.
The neighbors stopped believing it was a public school long ago.
Jessica Simpson went to Capitol Hill Thursday to lobby
Congress on behalf of her charity, Operation Smile. The lawmakers
had just increased the debt ceiling to nine trillion dollars. You
can't spend that kind of money and not draw blondes.
The House of Representatives debated budget and
appropriations bills Thursday and approved an extra billion
dollars to help Americans who are broke pay for energy. That's not
enough. Starbucks is four dollars a cup and cocaine is no bargain.
Mexican president Vicente Fox climbed on top of an offshore
rig Thursday and announced a ten-billion-barrel oil strike in the
Gulf of Mexico. You can already imagine the gasoline commercials.
Your SUV will look years younger with Oil of Ole.
The FBI selected Lockheed Martin to build its new five- hundred-million-dollar computer system. The aerospace company wasn't the first choice. Lockheed Martin doesn't know a thing about building computers but Dubai Computer World wants too much money.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton