Jewish World Review March 6, 2006 / 6 Adar, 5766

And now for the important news ....

By Argus Hamilton

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The Academy Awards aired live from the Kodak Theater in Hollywood Sunday. It was very festive. Outside, the red carpet was awash in glittering evening gowns and low-cut cocktail dresses, and those were just the guys who arrived on horseback.

Bill Clinton, it was learned Thursday, was asked by the United Arab Emirates for advice on how to get their ports deal approved. He told them to volunteer for extra congressional scrutiny. It's humiliating at first but the speaking fees later on are worth it.

The Treasury Department announced sweeping changes in the Alexander Hamilton ten-dollar bill for security reasons Thursday. The middle of the new ten-dollar bill glows under ultra-violet light. It now features a portrait of George Hamilton.

Arnold Schwarzenegger had to cancel a planned appearance at a gladiator fight in Ohio Friday night. The sport has been called barbaric human cockfighting. Arnold doesn't mind it because compared to getting to the top in the movie business, it's a kindergarten dance class.

Barry Bonds dressed up like Paula Abdul and sang a song Tuesday. No one knew steroids turned you into a transvestite singer. The McGuire Sisters just called their agent and asked him what he thought of adding a redhead named Mark to the act.

Al Gore gave interviews Friday to promote his new book and a film on global warming. He said he recently got involved with a cable television network. Tipper doesn't mind if he cheats with machines because they give him something she can't.

New York's Independence Party launched an effort Tuesday to draft Donald Trump to run for president. Americans don't care about his hair, his political views, or his wives. They just want someone who knows how to fire the intelligence agencies.

Congress was asked by car dealers Thursday to establish a database for flood-damaged cars. Some of these unscrupulous salesman can sell junk as jewels to innocent customers. Every one of them apprenticed as a congressional campaign manager.

FEMA's former chief Michael Brown said Wednesday he warned President Bush about the possible disaster of Hurricane Katrina. He said the president was engaged but overconfident. Actively praying for the hurricane to hit Cuba is not really a plan.

President Bush's visit to New Delhi Thursday was met by one hundred thousand Muslim men chanting anti-Bush slogans. There's a reason. The al-Qaeda bureaucracy has gotten so big, they haven't even heard yet that he saved the ports deal for them.