Jewish World Review March 6, 2006 / 6 Adar, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Academy Awards aired live from the Kodak Theater in
Hollywood Sunday. It was very festive. Outside, the red carpet was
awash in glittering evening gowns and low-cut cocktail dresses,
and those were just the guys who arrived on horseback.
Bill Clinton, it was learned Thursday, was asked by the
United Arab Emirates for advice on how to get their ports deal
approved. He told them to volunteer for extra congressional
scrutiny. It's humiliating at first but the speaking fees later on
are worth it.
The Treasury Department announced sweeping changes in the
Alexander Hamilton ten-dollar bill for security reasons Thursday.
The middle of the new ten-dollar bill glows under ultra-violet
light. It now features a portrait of George Hamilton.
Arnold Schwarzenegger had to cancel a planned appearance at
a gladiator fight in Ohio Friday night. The sport has been called
barbaric human cockfighting. Arnold doesn't mind it because
compared to getting to the top in the movie business, it's a
kindergarten dance class.
Barry Bonds dressed up like Paula Abdul and sang a song
Tuesday. No one knew steroids turned you into a transvestite
singer. The McGuire Sisters just called their agent and asked him
what he thought of adding a redhead named Mark to the act.
Al Gore gave interviews Friday to promote his new book and a
film on global warming. He said he recently got involved with a
cable television network. Tipper doesn't mind if he cheats with
machines because they give him something she can't.
New York's Independence Party launched an effort Tuesday to
draft Donald Trump to run for president. Americans don't care
about his hair, his political views, or his wives. They just want
someone who knows how to fire the intelligence agencies.
Congress was asked by car dealers Thursday to establish a
database for flood-damaged cars. Some of these unscrupulous
salesman can sell junk as jewels to innocent customers. Every one
of them apprenticed as a congressional campaign manager.
FEMA's former chief Michael Brown said Wednesday he warned
President Bush about the possible disaster of Hurricane Katrina.
He said the president was engaged but overconfident. Actively
praying for the hurricane to hit Cuba is not really a plan.
President Bush's visit to New Delhi Thursday was met by one hundred thousand Muslim men chanting anti-Bush slogans. There's a reason. The al-Qaeda bureaucracy has gotten so big, they haven't even heard yet that he saved the ports deal for them.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton