Jewish World Review March 2, 2006 / 2 Adar, 5766

And now for the important news ....

By Argus Hamilton

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The Academy Awards will be telecast live from the Kodak Theater in Hollywood Sunday. There's no mistaking this year's theme. Dennis Weaver just died after a long battle with movie producers who wanted to remake Gunsmoke as a gay western.

The United Arab Emirates is hosting the world's greatest tennis players this week in the Dubai Open. The hotel where they are playing charges five thousand dollars per night. A copy of Fortune magazine is placed in each room by the Gideons.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones moved NFL owners and players closer to a deal this week. Players already have a great pension plan. Under the current deal you can retire after ten years, murder your wife and still get ten thousand dollars a month.

Egypt confirmed Tuesday that archaeologists unearthed the tomb of a wealthy merchant in the Valley of the Kings. The man died three thousand years ago. He hasn't been out of the ground one week and already he's engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.

Bill Clinton addressed the nation's governors Tuesday. He said children must be taught to eat only healthy foods and get off the couch and exercise more. The Nickelodeon network attacked him as just another baby boomer pulling up the ladder.

President Bush said Thursday he will relax some in India and Pakistan during his trip this week. The president revealed plans to take in a cricket match. He also plans to play a little game of match-the-NSA-tape-to-the-customer-service-operator.

The New York Times sued the Pentagon Monday for their records of warrantless wiretapping. The idea of government eavesdropping has caused people to become paranoid in Washington. Democrats are now talking to their mistresses in Navajo Code.