Jewish World Review March 14, 2006 / 14 Adar, 5766

Finding fun in rejection

By David Grimes

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Awards have been handed out for the Oddest Book Title of the Year, and once again none of my submissions made the cut.

Bookseller magazine gave first place to a self-help book on being haunted titled "People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It."

Second place went to "Rhino Horn Stockpile Management: Minimum Standards and Best Practices From East and Southern Africa."

I have sent far better prospective titles to book publishers over the years and, needless to say, all of them have been rejected. I attribute this to a lack of imagination among the publishing elite and an inability to "think outside the box," as today's motivational speakers are so fond of saying.

One of my first rejected book titles was "Pug Incontinence: How to Make Your Living Room Smell Like the Men's Room at Raymond James Stadium in Under a Week." My prospective publisher said that too few book buyers were interested in pug incontinence and that those who were were probably more interested in correcting it than modeling their home décor around it. This struck me as a very narrow viewpoint, but starving authors have very little clout in today's publishing world, or so it seems.

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Another of my rejected titles was "How to Avoid Killing Your Spouse While Playing Endless Board Games During Hurricane Season." I tried to make it clear that I didn't mean "killing" in a literal sense but rather as a euphemism for a light strangling. But my prospective publisher, who apparently could drive past a plane crash without swiveling his head, thought that the title was too "strong" for today's market and asked me to redo the book's theme to something that celebrated the joys of shared canned tuna fish.

Artists like me cannot be bullied in that way, so I simply filed "Board Games" in my desk drawer with all my other rejected book titles.

These include:

• "Phantom Flossing: How to Trick Your Dental Hygienist Into Thinking You Really Care About Your Gums."

• "Cell Phone Etiquette: Why Ordering Pizza in the Middle of a Crowded Movie Theater is a Constitutionally Protected Right."

• "Why I Love Ballet: A Primer in Under 25 Words."

• "How to Destroy Your Lawn Without Really Trying."

• "100 Good Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Called Upon to Kill Spiders the Size of Manhole Covers That Have Taken Up Residence in Their Bathrooms."

• "Improve Your IQ by Watching More Daytime TV."

• "What the Health Fascists Don't Want You to Know About Beer."

• "Lose Weight the Elvis Way."

• "Are You Allergic to Sex?"

• "Lethargy: Nap Your Way to a New You."