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February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
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Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
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January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
March 29, 2006
/ 29 Adar, 5766
The answer to lagging movie attendance
By
Brad Dickson
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
According to a spate of recent reports to shore up lagging attendance many movie theaters are about to undergo major
renovations. Apparently "movie people" feel the major reason folks aren't flocking to see "Flintstones 5" is they
don't like the theaters themselves.
Which is understandable. Most U.S. movie theaters have the ambiance of Ukranian meat lockers.
As long as they've finally nailed the reason why people no longer attend films I thought I'd offer some helpful hints to
see that the renovations address the major problems.
Starting with the installation of overhead spotlights in the theater rafters (assuming a building the size of a large bread box has
rafters). Then whenever someone talks on a cellphone during the movie the spotlight shines on the offender and the other theater
patrons descend on him en masse and call him derogatory names until he hangs up.
After the overhead spotlights are securely in place I call for installing snooze alarms in every seat which will be automatically
activated in the final half hour of all Ben Affleck movies. I also call for the immediate installation of sick bags adjacent every seat in
theaters showing the movie Failure To Launch. Terry Bradshaw has a nude scene in said film that seemed to this moviegoer to last
approximately nine hours.
Next, I call for placing mattresses outside the ticket window to help cushion the fall when Dad keels over after spending
$63.50 for a family of five to get into Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector. It also wouldn't hurt to install mattresses inside the
theaters to catch the fainting senior citizens who go see Brokeback Mountain because they miss the old style Westerns.
In addition, because of all the gay-themed movies like Brokeback, Capote, etc, I call for installing pop up female mannequins
at regularly spaced intervals throughout theaters. This allows insecure males who'd like to attend one of the 8,000 gay themed
flicks currently in release but who are dateless to seemingly have an attractive female in the seat beside them. The female
mannequins will also allow die-hard science fiction fans to know what it's like to sit beside a girl.
With all the sequels based on creaky TV programs, next I'd install television sets tuned to Nick At Nite so patrons can
watch old sitcoms from the 60's and 70's to see what will be turned into major motion pictures within 18 months. This would negate
the need for showing previews, and when the newspaper prints that a film begins at 8:30 it'd actually begin at 8:30 and not 9:45.
On the back of every seat I'd also place a pair of ear plugs since movie soundtracks are now louder than Kiss concerts.
Sitting through any action movie can cause tinnitus.
Below is a small, unscientific chart demonstrating how the sound in movie theaters compares to other loud noises.
Jackhammer 200 million decibels
Jet engine 300 million decibels
Crying baby beside you inside jet 350 million decibels
M-80 firecracker 380 million decibels
Movie theater sound systems 400 million decibels
Oprah audience after being informed each audience member has just won a free souvenir toothpick or dish towel 9
billion decibels
Finally, to draw patrons back into theaters I'd disguise the exterior of mall multiplexes to resemble mall food courts.
Since Americans are more interested in eating than watching films I'd place a couple golden arches or a giant sign reading
HAAGEN DAZS at the theater entrance to trick the chronically hungry. By the time the hungry people get inside the theater and
realize they've been duped they either bury their face in the concession stand Milk Duds, or, as unlikely as it seems, sit down
and enjoy a movie.
At least as much as you can enjoy Flintstones 5 or a naked Terry Bradshaw.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Brad Dickson was a monologue staff writer for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno for 13 years. He's presently developing a network television pilot. Comment by clicking here.
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© 2006, Brad Dickson
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