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February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
March 3, 2006
/ 3 Adar, 5766
The Alternative Oscars
By
Brad Dickson
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Ah, the 2006 Academy Awards ceremony is history, and not a moment too soon. Once again, I saw only one of this
year's nominated films, "Crash" and that's only because the Writers Guild sent me a DVD in the mail. The last time I
actually went to a movie theater to see a film, that film was "Cutthroat Island" a movie so banal that if the tiny multiplex
theater had a balcony I would've considered jumping. (As it was I tried overdosing on Milk Duds.)
But lack of knowledge of this year's nominated films won't keep me from awarding my 2006 ALTERATIVE OSCARS.
BEST ACTRESS: Martha-Ann Alito, wife of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, who wept and fled the Senate Judiciary
Committee hearings when the grilling of hubby became just a tad too intense. Cynics might say the seeming goal was to appeal to
the consciences of our U.S. Senators, which is a little like trying to appeal to the intellects of the Three Stooges.
BEST ACTOR: Harry Whittington, 78-year-old, super-loyal lawyer friend of Vice President Dick Cheney, who managed to
convincingly state he still thought highly of Cheney even with birdshot lodged near his heart. Let me cut to the chase and just begin
referring to him as Ambassador Whittington now.
Although according to new polls Mr. Cheney's approval rating is hovering at 18%, it'd probably be 11 or 12% if he
hadn't just shot a lawyer.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Tie: hockey star Wayne Gretzky and that blubbering guy married to the Runaway Bride. Both these
guys apparently stood by their wives with aplomb and dignity; it's hard for me to believe that dignity continued behind closed
doors, although maybe it did.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Singer Ashlee Simpson, who at the Alternative Oscars ceremony will be lip synching her
acceptance speech to a pre-recorded track.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: With the present make up of the country, this award could go to any film where the characters
speak English.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: Joan Rivers' make up people, for managing to make her look life-like a good 30% of the time.
BEST DRIVING BY A WHITE TRASH MAMA IN AN SUV WHILE HOLDING A TINY BABY ON HER LAP: Britney Spears.
Granted, this is not an actual Oscar category yet. But Spears' steering acumen to keep her vehicle on the road combined with
her Southern drawl and rural roots also make her the odds on favorite at the next Daytona 500.
BEST EDITING: Author James Frey, who apparently took his life story and cut out much of the boring stuff and just gave us the
thrilling stuff. Hey, it got him on Oprah a bunch of times, didn't it? As a writer that's the pinnacle. I'd love to finish this
paragraph, but right now I have to report to rehab on St. Tropez where the court sent me after I rear-ended Big Foot in the
Popemobile I stole. Care to hear more, Oprah?
BEST WRITING: Me, for the letter I sent to the president of the telemarketing firm that's been bombarding me with long phone
messages on my answering machine for the past seven years about some insipid auto auction. After I threatened to get the
president's home and office numbers and overload his voice mail with the "Wild Animals of Borneo" sound effects tape I
checked out from the library, he pulled the plug on the phone calls real fast.
BEST PHOTOGRAPHY: The guys who photograph the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. But my question: Why do they even
need to go to exotic locales like Cabo San Lucas and San Pedro? You could photograph the models in front of a waste treatment
plant in Clifton, New Jersey or an abandoned Mervyn's store in Pocatello, Idaho and the male readers wouldn't notice.
There you have it, the 2006 Alternative Oscars, just like the actual Oscars if they were voted on by someone who lost all
interest in movies around 1987.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Brad Dickson was a monologue staff writer for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno for 13 years. He's presently developing a network television pilot. Comment by clicking here.
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