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February 13, 2012
Binyamin Rose: Back to the Bunker: How a life-risking act by a Christian family during the Holocaust saved a family and built a thriving community a world away
Menachem Wecker: Business Schools Teach Real Estate Despite Troubled Housing Market
February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
March 4, 2005
/ 23 Adar I, 5765
Oh, Rats
By
Gene Weingarten
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
I awoke one day recently to discover that a large box of Animal Crackers had migrated overnight from a pantry through the dining room and onto the kitchen floor, where it had been gnawed open and consumed. Instantly, my wife diagnosed the problem: A team of three or four industrious mice, standing erect like kangaroos and operating together in perfect synchrony, must have carried the box — daintily, by its string — a distance of 20 feet. Then, summoning friends and colleagues, they enjoyed a hearty and nutritious Animal Cracker banquet. My wife was a little disturbed to learn that we had mice, but, gosharootie, that's life!
I gazed upon her with love and understanding. There are times in a relationship when disagreeable truths must be confronted, together. Gently, I said: "We have rodents, but they are larger than mice. And I think we both know that." My wife nodded resignedly.
"We have rabbits," she said.
I live in a city. This involves certain sacrifices. Writer Robert Sullivan explained it best: "If you are in New York while you are reading this sentence, or even in any other major city in America, then you are in proximity of two or more rats having sex."
(This column is being published pursuant to an agreement with my editor that it contain no sentence more disturbing than the previous one. It was not easy.)
Facing the fact of a rat in one's home is a little like facing the fact of impending death. You go through stages of grief. After denial comes anger ("It's Bush's fault . . . !"). Then, bargaining ("It says here rats won't eat alfalfa! Maybe if we live only on alfalfa . . ."). But there is never, ever acceptance. Instead, there is shame.
Shame impels you to spend several days trying to avoid having to reveal your problem to anyone else, meaning you waste time trying to catch the rats yourself, which pretty much just means feeding them peanut butter, which they seem to enjoy. (Rat traps terrify you, not the rat.) This phase lasts several days, days marked by preemptive acts of bravado, particularly each morning, stomping downstairs and loudly approaching the still-dark kitchen. ("Here I come, and I'm in a fierce rat-killin' frenzy . . .") Eventually, you give up and call an exterminator, who you hope will arrive in an unmarked truck, or better yet, a decoy truck. You are willing to pay for the required auto detailing yourself. ("Petticoats 'n' Corsages.")
Brian the exterminator solemnly told me that the best confirmation that we had rats would be to find their bathroom. I laughed, but Brian did not. He started poking around behind pieces of furniture, explaining that rats, unlike mice, are fastidious animals that will not eat where they poop. So they create a private bathroom. I was still laughing when Brian found it, behind a cabinet. At this point I stopped laughing. What I saw back there defies description. I mean that literally. Pursuant to the agreement with my editor, it may not be described.
In fact, many of the events of the ensuing four days do not permit elaboration, particularly what happened when Brian put down glue traps to snare the animals alive. I will say only this: Contrary to popular belief, rats do have vocal cords, which they use only when extremely upset.
The sounds they emit at these times could strip the paint from a car or the flesh from a corpse. Ultimately, however, the glue trap had the same effect on the rat that toilet paper has on you, when it gets caught on your shoe. The rat was inconvenienced, and possibly embarrassed when it went back to its home and faced the taunts of other rats, but that's about it.
So on his second visit, Brian informed me that the only option left was poison. Exterminators don't usually recommend poison in homes with dogs. Brian looked at me, and then at Harry, my old Labrador retriever. My wife and I considered the alternative, namely, living with rats. Then we agreed that, at 12, Harry had already lived a long and fruitful life, and was probably facing a difficult and painful senescence, anyway — it would be a blessing, really! Brian put a poison box under the stove and squirted a lot of powdered poison into our baseboards.
Well, it worked. Harry still lives, and the rats do not. The only lingering problem is that, before squirting the poison, Brian never first ascertained what was under the baseboards. It turns out that what was under the baseboards was my basement office, which is now coated by a fine dusting of rat poison, like confectioners' sugar on a raspberry tart. My wife is fine with that, considering the alternative. After all, I, too, have lived a long and fruitful life.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and the media consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
02/25/05: Take My Column, Please
02/17/05: EXTRA! EXTRA!: Stories Too Good to Check
02/11/05: Whee the People
02/04/05: Dial M for Mischief
01/28/05: The Feminine Mistake
01/21/05: A Head of His Time: Exploring the commodious nature of art
01/11/05: You can't buy this kind of PR ... But then, you wouldn't want to
© 2005 WPWG
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