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Jewish World Review March 4, 2005 / 23 Adar I, 5765 Osama's employment crisis By Dave Weinbaum
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Osama can't get good help. He hires many young ones, but they blow up so fast.
It wasn't always such.
Al Queda, the leader of the growth terror business, saw many recruits come in with every success scored by it. Murder Inc. never had so many volunteers. Being in a growth industry, there was room for everyone, Palestine Islamic Jihad, Hizballah, Hamas, Al-Aqsa Brigades, etc. With every unanswered mass murder, recruits were streaming into Middle East Universities, Mosques, and terror training camps. It was like the opening of the Epcot Center of the Middle East. I hear the deep fried falafel sticks at the Yasser Arafat Peace Pavilion are to die for!
What went wrong? Like Time Warner gobbling up AOL, Al Qeuada bit off more wraths than it could chew. The 9/11 murder of 3000 unsuspecting American civilians, not one of them to my knowledge, named Eichman, finally brought anger to even the most passive Americans, at least for an hour or two.
Finally, our COO, President George W., got the message. Much to OSAMA's surprise, Bush threw surplus to the winds and invaded Al Queda's infrastructure in Afghanistan. He destroyed much of it, taking a toll on the Taliban and AlQueda Local 109, chief suppliers of Taliban youth for Al Queada.
Then Bush surprised OSAMA and much of the rest of the world by overturning OSAMA's silent WMD factory partner, Saddam.
The UN went bonkers. The French, Germans, and Chinese took time from their busy schedules of counting oil for food bribes to express their outrage. How dare the USA protect itself without UN permission?! The French began swigging their own champagne after Americans stopped buying it, increasing the amnesia that had grown since we saved their sorry Asses in WW1 and WW2.
OSAMA, unable to find his cave office, since a bunker buster vaporized it, has contacted his Jr. VP., al Zarqawi. Z thought he could rid Iraq of US and coalition forces. Lulled by early success, suicide bombers were able to kill many western militia, most of them US Soldiers.
But just when OSAMA thought they would cash in on their USA elimination plot in Iraq, five nasty Democratic elections took place.
2. The reelection of Bush.
3. The Iraqi purple fingered elections.
4. The mini-demo elections of Saudi Arabia.
5. The Palestinian vote.
Worse than the elections were the voluntary strives toward Democracy, starting with the surrender of Libya and proposed Democratic elections in Egypt. And what in the name of Allah is going on in Lebanon?
What a nightmare! What's the world coming to? The most stinging blow was yesterday's New York Times Editorial, giving praise to the Bush Administration! If you can't count on the New York Times, who can you count on, Dan Rather?
Now instead of targeting Coalition soldiers, and USA Marines, they had to go after Iraqi Police, Politicians and Civilians. The average Arab began to recognize that it was HIS neighbors and HIS relatives that were being mowed down by rocketing razors and ball bearings from the bomb strapped bodies and TNT loaded vehicles of fellow Arabs. Not even the Washington Post, New York Times, or Aljazeera could cover THAT up!
Like any Chairman of a fortune 500 company coming out of denial, OSAMA has redirected his unseeing busy Junior Executive. Al Zarqawi must change track and get out of Iraq! The US is the place for him!
I can just hear this conversation between Zarqawi and OSAMA.
OSAMA: "Praise Allah!"
Z: "Praise Allah!"
OSAMA: "I want you to change directions and focus on the USA. That's where the real growth of terror is. Killing Arabs, while fun, is not our focus, Z. Now get on it!"
Z: "But boss, my best murderers have already been martyred or have been killed and captured. Even the Syrians are scared to send more idiots! Look what's happened to their hold on Lebanon. I can't keep the young and naive for long. They're here today, martyred tomorrow. I even thought of you and I sacrificing ourselves for the cause!"
OSAMA and Z: Two minute pause for heavy laughter
OSAMA: "Here's what you do Z. Take this ad out in the New York Times, Washington Post, and Aljazeera. Hey and don't forget Michael Moore. He owes us a plug in his next documentary."
Requirements:
M/F
Must be young and naïve
Prefer walking age
No education allowed
Fanatical Islamic Indoctrination
Must be willing to spend time in crowds
Demolition experience
No parental permission
Must wear heavy belts and vests
Starting date immediate
Training:
Use of Group Gold's Gyms Membership as there is a shortage of monkey bars
One-way flight lessons
How not to avoid skyscraper flight lessons
Bomb belt design and fashion classes
Benefits:
Prayer rugs washed monthly
$5000 to parents at sign-up
$25000 to parents upon completion of mission
The quicker you Martyr, the more bonus your family gets
One-way flight lessons
All the Baklava you can eat after Friday Service
Get to kill as many Americans, Christians, and Jews as your bomb will allow
Martyr tapes to families free (small charge for before and after pictures)
Life Insurance NA
Travel-see the world through the eyes of an illegal Mexican immigrant crossing the Rio Grande
Early retirement plan. Spend infinity with 72 virgins with Allah's blessings
Includes free Viagra.
WE ARE AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER (Infidels acceptable only on conversion to fanatical Islam)
Apply in person to Al Zarq.
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02/25/05: You may be part of the right wing conspiracy if ...
© 2005, Dave Weinbaum | ||||||||||
