In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review March 4, 2005 / 23 Adar I, 5765

Osama's employment crisis

By Dave Weinbaum

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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Osama can't get good help. He hires many young ones, but they blow up so fast.

It wasn't always such.

Al Queda, the leader of the growth terror business, saw many recruits come in with every success scored by it. Murder Inc. never had so many volunteers. Being in a growth industry, there was room for everyone, Palestine Islamic Jihad, Hizballah, Hamas, Al-Aqsa Brigades, etc. With every unanswered mass murder, recruits were streaming into Middle East Universities, Mosques, and terror training camps. It was like the opening of the Epcot Center of the Middle East. I hear the deep fried falafel sticks at the Yasser Arafat Peace Pavilion are to die for!

What went wrong? Like Time Warner gobbling up AOL, Al Qeuada bit off more wraths than it could chew. The 9/11 murder of 3000 unsuspecting American civilians, not one of them to my knowledge, named Eichman, finally brought anger to even the most passive Americans, at least for an hour or two.

Finally, our COO, President George W., got the message. Much to OSAMA's surprise, Bush threw surplus to the winds and invaded Al Queda's infrastructure in Afghanistan. He destroyed much of it, taking a toll on the Taliban and AlQueda Local 109, chief suppliers of Taliban youth for Al Queada.

Then Bush surprised OSAMA and much of the rest of the world by overturning OSAMA's silent WMD factory partner, Saddam.

The UN went bonkers. The French, Germans, and Chinese took time from their busy schedules of counting oil for food bribes to express their outrage. How dare the USA protect itself without UN permission?! The French began swigging their own champagne after Americans stopped buying it, increasing the amnesia that had grown since we saved their sorry Asses in WW1 and WW2.

OSAMA, unable to find his cave office, since a bunker buster vaporized it, has contacted his Jr. VP., al Zarqawi. Z thought he could rid Iraq of US and coalition forces. Lulled by early success, suicide bombers were able to kill many western militia, most of them US Soldiers.

But just when OSAMA thought they would cash in on their USA elimination plot in Iraq, five nasty Democratic elections took place.

1. The Afghan Election.

2. The reelection of Bush.

3. The Iraqi purple fingered elections.

4. The mini-demo elections of Saudi Arabia.

5. The Palestinian vote.

Worse than the elections were the voluntary strives toward Democracy, starting with the surrender of Libya and proposed Democratic elections in Egypt. And what in the name of Allah is going on in Lebanon?

What a nightmare! What's the world coming to? The most stinging blow was yesterday's New York Times Editorial, giving praise to the Bush Administration! If you can't count on the New York Times, who can you count on, Dan Rather?

Now instead of targeting Coalition soldiers, and USA Marines, they had to go after Iraqi Police, Politicians and Civilians. The average Arab began to recognize that it was HIS neighbors and HIS relatives that were being mowed down by rocketing razors and ball bearings from the bomb strapped bodies and TNT loaded vehicles of fellow Arabs. Not even the Washington Post, New York Times, or Aljazeera could cover THAT up!

Like any Chairman of a fortune 500 company coming out of denial, OSAMA has redirected his unseeing busy Junior Executive. Al Zarqawi must change track and get out of Iraq! The US is the place for him!

I can just hear this conversation between Zarqawi and OSAMA.

OSAMA: "Praise Allah!"

Z: "Praise Allah!"

OSAMA: "I want you to change directions and focus on the USA. That's where the real growth of terror is. Killing Arabs, while fun, is not our focus, Z. Now get on it!"

Z: "But boss, my best murderers have already been martyred or have been killed and captured. Even the Syrians are scared to send more idiots! Look what's happened to their hold on Lebanon. I can't keep the young and naive for long. They're here today, martyred tomorrow. I even thought of you and I sacrificing ourselves for the cause!"

OSAMA and Z: Two minute pause for heavy laughter

OSAMA: "Here's what you do Z. Take this ad out in the New York Times, Washington Post, and Aljazeera. Hey and don't forget Michael Moore. He owes us a plug in his next documentary."

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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.

02/25/05: You may be part of the right wing conspiracy if ...
02/07/05: Giving democracy the finger

© 2005, Dave Weinbaum