
 |
|
February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
|
| |
Jewish World Review
March 10, 2005
/ 29 Adar I, 5765
Come do up my house, Diva
By
Lenore Skenazy
| 
|
|
|
|
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
As Martha Stewart begins her five months of house arrest, I have only one request: Let the house be mine!
Martha, my apartment needs you way more than that Westchester estate does. My medicine cabinet needs you. (How many decades does Kaopectate stay fresh?) My living room needs you. (How do you get "Star Wars" stickers off a piano?) And I have a feeling my sticky plastic tablecloth needs you, too. (Don't tell me, I know: I've got to start wiping it. Right? Isn't that your little trick?)
So let's just say I'll expect you around noon. And don't worry, I'll have a home-cooked meal waiting for you: a piping hot Eggo waffle!
Now, in the tradition of those women who clean their homes before the cleaning lady comes, I picked up a copy of your "Good Things for Organizing," filled as it is with "150 solutions for a clean and clutter-free home." I figured if I could get my home as bright as the cover photo of your mud room (by the way where's the mud?), maybe you'd really consider becoming my roomie.
But then I started reading that I should begin by welding casters to the bottom of a large tin bin to make a rolling boot caddy, and I got a little leery.
I mean, can't we agree that boots belong on the floor, next to the hats, the better for one-stop dressing? I'm sure you see my point. But you know what? We can compromise.
I'm also wondering about your simple solutions for bathroom cleanliness. You say that to kill the fuzzy black stuff I'd have to "use a spare towel or squeegee to wipe off excess moisture after the last shower," but I'm thinking: Really? Use that squeegee I found under the FDR Drive? Well I'm open!
I guess once you arrive we'll just learn to live with each other's little foibles. Like, while you're cleaning my grout with a toothbrush and baking soda, I'll be stomping the Trix under the table so they turn into dust, which is much harder to see.
Feel free to print that trick in your next magazine!
And while you're gently spray-washing my house plants by placing them in the tub (well, house PLANT, anyway), I'll bring the Bounty into the bathroom and we can tear it into little sheets until I get more toilet paper.
And then, while you're flipping my mattress because, according to your completely INSANE instructions, a mattress should be flipped FOUR TIMES A YEAR, I'll just flip out MYSELF and start yanking the fluff out of my Martha Stewart pillows. Yeah! And dunking it in last night's broiling pan sludge and glue-gunning the glob to my fridge. Try wiping THAT off, Little Miss Perfect!
Who invited you here, anyway? Get out before I take my best scarf and instead of using a fine-tooth comb to catch any pills I take it and wrap it around your
Oh, wait a sec. I'm sorry! I think I was just getting a little nervous about your visit. Please don't be put off! I still can't wait to see you!
And neither can whatever it is that's growing under my toilet.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and the media consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.
Lenore Skenazy Archives
© 2005 NY Daily News
|