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Jewish World Review March 7, 2005 / 26 Adar I, 5765 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The National Hockey League apologized Tuesday for the
cancellation of the Stanley Cup. It was sad. Hockey fans have
nothing but a minor league playoff at the Orleans Hotel and Casino
in Las Vegas, where billboards advertise the Loosest Teeth in Town.
Jackie Robinson was honored in the U.S. Capitol Wednesday.
What a ceremony. It doubled the number of statues in the rotunda
because when it was mentioned that he was a lifelong Republican
and Richard Nixon supporter, the Democrats turned to stone.
George Tenet called off his book deal Wednesday. He knows
anything he writes could alienate future consulting clients. If he
had shown this much analytical ability at the CIA, our troops
would be on the Mexican border today where they belong.
Bill Clinton flew to Los Angeles on Friday to speak in
Beverly Hills to the Association of Southern California Defense
Lawyers. He hates this group. All they do is ask him what he has
been up to lately and hand him their business cards.
Martha Stewart was released from prison on Friday. While in
jail she's added two new TV shows and her company stock has
skyrocketed. If Michael Jackson has a brain in his head he will
stand up in court today and confess to insider trading.
Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman in a question-and-answer
session Thursday told a fourth-grade class his hobby is drinking
gin, thereby cementing his reputation as a local legend. Last
night Oscar Goodman was walking out of a bar. It's possible.
Charlie Sheen and actress wife Denise Richards said
Wednesday they will file for divorce. It's an occupational hazard.
The two ironclad and immutable laws of show business are always
leave them wanting more and only penguins mate for life.
Jay Leno asked Michael Jackson's judge to exempt his
monologue from a witness gag order. It's only fair. Comedians
cannot be deprived of Michael Jackson jokes now that President
Bush looks like he was right about democracy in the Middle East.
Peter Arnett told Playboy that Udey Hussein was just about
to overthrow his father when U.S. troops pulled into Baghdad. You
can't make it up. Not only did Saddam Hussein not have any weapons
of mass destruction, but President Bush saved his life.
Steve Fossett flew around the world Thursday on one tank of
fuel. There's just no pleasing people. Democrats ripped him for
not carpooling and Republicans condemned him for undermining the
Bush Doctrine by getting such terrific gas mileage.
Hillary Clinton met Indian members of Parliament on a trip
to new Delhi last week. Her meetings with legislators kept getting
interrupted. Everyone in that country has a part-time job
answering customer service calls from the United States.
Rob Reiner said he may run for governor of California. He
demands affordable housing in rich neighborhoods. Rob Reiner is a
true Hollywood socialist, not like Warren Beatty who built a gated
community from the profits he made on the movie Reds.
Congress will hold hearings on baseball's new steroid
testing agreement. They want to talk to the players. Congress
looked at photos of the deficit today and photos of the deficit
ten years ago, and they want advice on how to get away with it.
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© 2005 Argus Hamilton | ||||||||||
