The New York Post reported that thousands of witches in the United States declared that they would cast a spell on Donald Trump to nullify his election. Their aim was a little off. Instead of changing the winner of the election, the witches accidentally changed the winner for Best Picture.
• President Trump released plans to ask Congress for an extra fifty billion in military spending to defeat the terrorists. It requires every nickel. It took a trillion dollars, two wars and state-of-the-art satellite technology, but we were finally able to track down Osama bin Laden, he was in his house.
• An Iranian filmmaker refused to come to Hollywood to collect his Academy Award in protest of Trump's anti-terror protection orders. Certain restrictions apply. There's so much terrorism in the world it's almost a relief that the guy who ran over all those people in New Orleans was just a drunk.
• French nationalist candidate Marine Le Pen's lead in the polls moved French leftists to urge Barack Obama to run for president of France Friday. They have is no birth requirement. The French could elect Barack Obama president, but after a month they will wish the Germans had won.
• President Trump is set to roll out his replacement for ObamaCare this week to Congress. He's determined to erase the Obama legacy. President Trump just signed an executive order replacing Michelle Obama's White House vegetable garden with a swimming pool filled with Lay's potato chips.
• Bartender's Guide reported the publication of Mr. Boston's Bartender's Guide's seventy-fifth anniversary edition. A cocktail can be the best therapy. Somewhere there is a bar where Hillary Clinton and the Atlanta Falcons just had to scoot down and make room for the cast of La La Land.
• La La Land's producers quickly pointed out Beatty's error and said Moonlight was the winner not La La Land. It's best. Hollywood would look pretty stupid if they spent all night calling Trump a racist then gave the Oscar to a movie in which a beautiful young white couple saves jazz in America.
• The White House held an off-camera press gaggle in the press secretary's office Thursday in which the New York Times, Washington Post and CNN were not invited to attend. They were infuriated. If President Trump isn't careful, this could start to have an effect on how they cover him.
• The White House announced President Trump won't attend the White House Correspondents Dinner. Five years ago Obama got such big laughs making fun of Trump to his face that Trump decided to run for president. In my work, that's called the tag line being funnier than the punch line.
• Mexico was embarrassed Sunday when sewage pipes exploded into the Tijuana River, sending raw sewage upstream into the United States. Reaction was swift. President Trump announced he's going to build a toilet on the border and make Mexico pay for it, and it's going to be a beautiful toilet.
• The NFL announced this year's season opener in September will be hosted by the Super Bowl champion New England Patriots on the Thursday after Labor Day. It's a tricky month. Last year the season opener fell on Rosh Hashanah, and the players had to play without their defense lawyers.
• President Trump told CPAC the media tells lies they lay on anonymous sources. Anonymous sources just told me that their anonymous sources were told by anonymous sources that nobody should believe that the mainstream media has anonymous sources. Remember, you heard it here, first
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