|
|
|
The other in-law problem By Nara Schoenberg
Does your spouse get mistreated by his own parents or siblings?
Did your wife spend December entertaining siblings who seem to have
forgotten how to clear a plate, bring a salad or operate a dishwasher?
The hostile in-law gets most of the attention in pop culture, with
films such as "Monster-in-Law" and "Meet the Fockers" highlighting the
tensions that can arise when the relative-by-marriage fails to meet
the expectations of a doting mom or dad.
Many of us may b less concerned with how
our in-laws treated us, and more worried about how we did or did not
respond when they criticized or misused our long-suffering spouses or
partners.
"That is a little challenging — to say the least," says clinical
psychotherapist Deanna Brann, author of "Reluctantly Related: Secrets
to Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law" (Vision
Run).
The good news is that there are approaches to handling the situation
and you, the spouse of the family punching bag, can often make a
difference, experts and observers say.
"Having a supportive spouse or partner helps a lot," says Fred
Telegdy, founder of the blog "I Hate My In-Laws!" (ihatemyinlaws.com).
"You can say: 'You know, we don't have to go to your family's house.
We can go on vacation. We can go to Hawaii. We can have a lot of fun
and do our own thing.'"
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". In addition to INSPIRING stories, HUNDREDS of columnists and cartoonists regularly appear. Sign up for the daily update. It's free. Just click here.
"The beauty of talking to your partner is your partner now feels like
they have an ally — all those years they might have felt they were
alone," Brann says, "so just feeling that someone really hears you and
gets it and understands your pain can sometimes give you enough
confidence to take a step."
If your spouse doesn't see a solution to, say, a parent's constant
criticism and wants your help, you can suggest setting some firm
boundaries. A sample script for your spouse might read, "You know,
Dad, I don't want to hear it anymore, so the next time you put me
down, I'm going to leave the room." The idea, Brann says, is to say
this in a clear, loving and noncombative way, and to follow through.
Don't discuss the issue, she says. Don't argue.
"Don't try to get them to understand; they never will. So change your
behavior," she says.
A certain kind of dad will figure out pretty quickly that, if he wants
to spend time with his son, he has to change a certain behavior. He
may think this is ridiculous, but he'll get with the program.
With family freeloaders, Brann suggests a similar no-nonsense
approach. If your spouse wants to act, agree that he, or both of you,
will make specific, time-sensitive requests for help from unhelpful
houseguests: "Mom, I need you to watch the kids while I'm in the
shower." Be nice and nonchalant, Brann says, but don't offer wiggle
room.
If your spouse doesn't want to act, you probably shouldn't go it
alone, Brann says. Odds are, you'll make the situation worse.
"The family has no vested interest in you, per se," she says. "It's
harder for families to stay angry at family members — and it's easier
for them to hold grudges against nonfamily members. That's typically
what will happen."
Susan Forward, therapist and author of the best-seller "Toxic Parents:
Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" (Bantam),
says that if the situation is unacceptable and your partner isn't
willing to take action, you do have an option — albeit one that isn't
likely to be particularly good for your marriage: You can tell your
partner he's on his own.
"You can say, 'You deal with them whatever way you want to, but don't
involve me,'" Forward says. "'If you need to see them, I'm not going
with you and I'm not going to have them here because they make me
miserable.'"
Brann suggests debriefing a spouse who doesn't want to take action:
"Help me understand how you are able to not let this get to you?"
Maybe the offender is ill or unstable and not fully in control of his
or her actions.
Brann also recommends deploying a sense of humor where appropriate and
seeing the offender in a broader context: Odds are he's not just
singling out his blood relative. He's critical of everyone, or he
treats everyone like a servant.
"It's not personal," Brann says — that's just the type of person the
offender is. "It really speaks about them — not your spouse."
MISERY LOVES COMPANY
The holidays are prime time for his website, which tends to feature
the more outrageous in-law behavior: the mother-in-law who tried to
sabotage her son's marriage by setting him up with his ex-girlfriend;
the parents who stole their daughter-in-law's horses, sold them and
kept the profits.
"There's no doubt that the holidays (sent web traffic) completely
through the roof. It is palpable," says Telegdy, who figures he got
1,200 to 1,600 unique visitors a day over the major holidays, compared
with about half that on an average day. Story submissions jump from
about five to as many as 50.
Interested in a private Judaic studies instructor — for free? Let us know by clicking here.
Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
To comment, please click here.
© 2012, Chicago Tribune Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.
| ||||||||||||||||||
