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Jewish World Review Musings on the mutability of time By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | For me, the first sign of spring is the ritual of setting the clocks to daylight saving time. Unfortunately, I don't know how to change the time on most of my clocks. My thermostats have clocks, as do the microwave, the car, the fridge, the stove, the teakettle, the coffee maker, the phone and the printer. My actual clock changes the time automatically, as does my computer. At least I thought it did. We took a trip four time zones away a few weeks ago, and I got out of bed in a strange hotel room in the dark of night. I didn't want to wake Sue, so I peeked under the lid of my computer tablet to check the time: 6 a.m. Sue wouldn't be up for a couple of hours at least, so I got dressed and went out to get breakfast and read the paper. An hour later, I asked the waitress what time it was, and she said 4 a.m. Slowly, I realized that I hadn't hooked up the computer to the hotel's Wi-Fi; it still showed the time from where we left. Now I'd wake Sue if I tried to go back in the room. I learned a hard lesson about how long you can nurse a cup of coffee in an all-night diner. If there's one great thing about being stupid, it's that you get used to it, whereas smart people probably feel all surprised and foolish when they do dumb things. Sue was not surprised at all to hear my story four hours later. She's used to it. The fact that the changing of the clocks comes almost exactly six weeks after Groundhog Day is sheer coincidence. I don't know about you, but I'm finding that fewer and fewer people rely on hibernating animals for accurate weather predictions. A week or two after Groundhog Day, no one can remember if the animal saw his shadow or not. And I find it hard to believe that a Pennsylvania groundhog and a Florida groundhog would be in agreement very often. If you ask me, the basic flaw in groundhog meteorology is that winter is not the same everywhere. Spring forward, fall back; that's the ticket. Simply set your clocks ahead one hour before you go to bed on March 9, and you'll be enjoying an extra hour of daylight. Well, not really. There's still the same amount of daylight; we've just all decided to use it differently. Of course, try telling this to your pets. They are not getting the message that the time has changed. So the dog wonders: "Why are you going to bed so early? That's OK, I'll just keep you awake for another hour. Why aren't we going for a walk the same time as yesterday? What's with dinner coming an hour early?" It takes the dog about three weeks to adjust to the new sleep schedule. The cat? He never learns. I can talk until my face is blue, but he's never going to change things for my convenience. Nor will the sun. The sun, the reason we have all reset our clocks in the first place, will now be directly in my face on the way home each night for a month. Why, oh why, did someone think making streets that go east and west was a good idea? Is city planning really that hard? I can't even see whether the stoplight by the grocery store is green or red. Now I keep in the glove compartment that smoked piece of glass that I used to watch the last solar eclipse. It comes in handy on the drive home. Sue thinks my theory about detecting the first sign of spring doesn't hold water. "Everybody knows the first sign of spring is when the snowbirds return," she says. "They're never wrong." Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: The envelope, please! The car of the future Where's Gutenberg when you need him? You are what you watch Today's special: Cacophony, with a side order of the flu His and her movies WARNING: The local gym may be hazardous to your health The Starbucks Gap Meat-free holiday about as happy as a heart attack All I don't want is another gadget We went to the fiscal cliff and all i got was this stupid t-shirt Some years, you just want to stay home The first Thanksgiving family feud Spamming the globe Suburban mall is an endangered species Worthless heist: Only in the world fine arts The debate debate Looking for a shortcut to penury? Buy a car The pros and cons of a chicken tattoo Does saying 'no' make us bad grandparents? Crying 'foul' over ballpark proposals College loans and job-search groans That buzzing you hear is the sound of time flying Too much of anything can get annoying Five billionth in line for the throne WARNING! This article may cause drowsiness The mail and email of the species Jotting down the un-bucket list Bees deliver stinging fashion critique Have a tissue issue? Help is a phone call away My guy's guys are better than your guy's guys Divorce, Facebook style Millionaires are a dime a dozen What not to name the baby Technology is a wonderful thing -- when it works A bad case of the wedding bill blues Of cupcakes, teenage moms and crazy nuptials FOOD FIGHT! Rolling Stoned Caterwauling over death of books is premature Ask your doctor if this column is right for you Could shopping be any more inconvenient? Thanks for the lack of memories Help wanted: Teenage life coach with all the answers Sorry, wrinkles are not legal proof of age Dead mice tell no tales GOING PAPERLESS -- PRICELESS! Should bad behavior be rewarded? The perplexing problems of the rich and famous Do these glasses make my gut look big? More expensive by the dozen In one year and out the other Thank heaven it's Black Friday Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY! The Seven Secrets of Success It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid The yellow badge of cowardice Any way you slice it Home sweet homeschooling Don't Head for the Borders Money ball Golf and death go hand in hand Tune in, turn off, unplug The radar curtain Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy? The gift of garbage Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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