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Jewish World Review March 25, 2013 / 14 Nissan, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The London Mail reported Thursday a scientist in England has invented a car engine that runs on coffee instead of gasoline. They're desperate for alternative fuels. Gas is so high in London that people have stopped eating horses and started riding them again.
NBC executives revealed plans to move the Tonight Show back to New York from its studio in Burbank. Manhattan is a much more exciting location. Burbank was founded by a dentist over a hundred fifty years ago and it remains a great place to have a toothache.
Long Island Railroad displayed public health billboard ads on commuter trains that suggest women do vagina-tightening exercises on the ride. Some people are appalled. Cops suspect that women have figured out a way to text while driving and never get caught.
South Carolina's adulterous former governor Mark Sanford bounced back Tuesday to make a House seat runoff race. It'll be an ugly campaign. The Democrats are going to accuse him of infidelity and Republicans are going to accuse the Democrats of flip-flopping.
President Obama gave his Final Four NCAA picks on ESPN Thursday. He picked Ohio State, Louisville, Indiana, and Florida. They're all thrilled because they think this means the president's political machone will turn out and find a way to make sure they win.
Google Glasses' patent Friday revealed that these spectacles will allow you to do more than record everything you see. These things could ruin dating. Once you can see through clothing, there is nothing left to attract people to each other except personality and brains.
Joe Biden struck again Tuesday, telling an anti-gun rally that Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot and mortally wounded. She's alive and speaking out against guns. A key aspect of Joe Biden's entertainment value is that he could trip over a cordless phone.
The Ringling Brothers Circus arrived in New York's Barclay Center Friday. It's toned down the cruelty. It was first called the Ringling Brothers Circus and Wild West Show but the Wild West Show broke away twelve years ago and formed the Bush Administration.
Homeland Security decided to allow Saudis to join the U.S. Trusted Traveler Program Thursday. It allows select foreigners to bypass customs lines if they show a passport. Fifteen of the nineteen hijackers in the World Trade Center attack were Saudis, but March Madness is the month of office betting pools, and Homeland Security is no exception.
Congress held hearings Wednesday on the possibility of a meteor slamming into the United States like the one in Siberia last month. A NASA official said if a meteor approaches the U.S. that Americans should pray. So we're down to that, either pray that the meteor doesn't hit us or pray that it hits the Federal Reserve Building and saves us all.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
