Jewish World Review Feb 3, 2012/ 10 Shevat, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Donald Trump announced plans to build a cemetery on the lot next to his New Jersey golf course. The cemetery would be just outside the eighteenth fairway fence. It allows people who don't believe in a heaven or hell to now spend eternity as a two-stroke penalty.
Kodak had to ask that its name be taken off the Hollywood theater that hosts Oscar night due to Kodak's bankruptcy. There's a lesson here for the Democrats. After twelve years of being associated with the biggest names in Hollywood, Kodak has lost everything.
House Republicans voted to ban ATM's from giving out money when welfare debit cards are swiped at casinos or strip clubs. Rules are rules. Low-income people are not supposed to use the welfare debit cards at strip clubs and President Obama proposed a plan to help homeowners refinance their home loans even if they owe more on their houses than they're worth. Why stop now? If this were a show on the Discovery Channel it'd be called the Undersea World of Fannie and Freddie.
The White House said Monday that lawsuits may force it to release the Osama bin Laden kill video. The courts are rushing them. They didn't want to release it til they finish the computer animation that put Barack Obama's face on the Navy SEAL who pulled the trigger.
The Distilled Spirits Council reported top-shelf liquor imports soared last year, signaling economic recovery. What a relief. Nobody was impressing their customers the last four years by meeting them in a park and offering them a swig of whatever is in the paper sack.
Sandia National Lab scientists in New Mexico invented a rifle-fired bullet that guides itself to its target. The rifle scope paints a red laser on the target and the bullet corrects itself in flight to hit it. By nightfall, the Justice Department was giving them away at the Mexican border.
A University of Wisconsin student achieved his goal of going ninety-days completely technology-free. He used no cellphone, no Facebook, no iPods and no Twitter. To avoid any temptation he spent ninety days dating cougar grandmothers who still use flip-phones.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton