Jewish World Review Feb. 25, 2011 / 21 Adar I, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Wisconsin Senate Democrats stayed missing Monday to avoid a vote lowering state worker benefits. Now Indiana Democrats have disappeared. The Democrats just fired the donkey as the party symbol and replaced it with a police sketch of the Lindbergh baby.
Lindsay Lohan was threatened with jail at her court hearing Wednesday. Her grand theft charge and battery probe may have broken her drug and alcohol probation. There is so much resentment against thin women that they're actually throwing them in jail now.
Russian airline Aeroflot announced they have begun hiring comedians to entertain passengers during flights. They're still working out the kinks. No women are allowed to sit in the emergency exit row after three nuns walked out on Andrew Dice Clay last week.
Libya's Moammar Khadaffi went on worldwide TV Tuesday and vowed to fight to the last drop of blood. He declared his country was under the influence of hallucination pills. He also said he's completed rehab and he's ready to return to work on Two and a Half Men.
Libyan pilots defied orders to bomb the oil fields Tuesday and instead they ditched their planes in the ocean and ejected to safety. The country's oil industry was saved. It's the best evidence yet that Libya's air force is operated from a Pentagon trailer in Nevada.
Libya self-destructed Wednesday and tottered on the brink of falling just like Egypt and Tunisia fell earlier this month. No one saw this coming. It's either a historic wave of democracy or it's the world's most expensive commercial for Allstate accident insurance.
Newsweek ran a poll Monday showing any number of Republicans could beat Barack Obama next year. There's no consensus candidate. Among California Republicans the leading GOP contenders to unseat the president are Ron Paul, Donald Trump and a ham sandwich.
White House former chief of staff Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago on Tuesday by a landslide. The Democrats are so grateful it wasn't close. The soil is rock hard from the coldest winter in history and nobody wants to recount the votes.
The L.A. Coroner began probing the death of a woman found dead sitting up at her government office desk inside her cubicle last week. No one noticed she was dead for a full day. Her fellow workers saluted her, saying that she died as she lived, running up overtime.
Wisconsin state employee union protesters vowed Wednesday they will stay in their picket lines and wait there until they win. Then it won't happen. If there's one thing a majority of Americans enjoy watching it's government workers having to wait in line.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid urged Nevada to outlaw brothels in his guest speech to Nevada's legislature Wednesday. Why pick on prostitution? It's the only industry that hasn't been outsourced to India or consigned to Chinese twelve-year-olds.
Queen Elizabeth posted a help-wanted ad online Wednesday for an assistant in the Buckingham Palace washroom. It's not glamorous work. James Bond draws a royal flush in the second scene of every movie but he wins a lot more than twenty dollars an hour.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton