Jewish World Review Feb. 15, 2011 / 11 Adar I, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Hosni Mubarak stepped down as president of Egypt on Friday after eighteen days of massive protests against his rule. He refused to resign until he'd won a list-minute legal victory. The Illinois Supreme Court just ruled he's eligible to run for mayor of Chicago.
Lindsay Lohan sashayed into Los Angeles court Wednesday to face felony charges of grand theft. She looked just sensational after one hundred days of sobriety. Many of her closest friends are worried that her shoplifting is starting to get in the way of her drinking.
Donald Trump told the conservative convention in Washington D.C. Friday he might run for president. He's a known commodity. His beautiful young wife Melania decided to marry Trump because she saw two things in him, a billion dollars and high cholesterol.
The U.S. Navy spent five hundred grand on the Super Bowl flyover even though the stadium roof was shut. It's the symbolism that mattered. Americans don't mind taking a moment to remember the overspenders in Washington who died fighting monogamy last year.
Congressman Chris Lee resigned Thursday when the married lawmaker was caught sending shirtless photos of himself to women online. Every year someone has to learn the same lesson. There's a right way and a wrong way to surprise your wife on Valentine's Day.
The Academy Award for Best Picture Sunday will pit The King's Speech about King George VI against The Social Network about Facebook founder Jeff Zuckerberg. The King and the Facebook founder have one interesting trait in common. They both lost Egypt.
CIA Director Leon Panetta guessed wrong Thursday telling Congress that Mubarak would resign that day. He vowed to improve the intelligence-gathering capacity at CIA headquarters. The next day, he told the General Services Administration that every office at the CIA must have cable television no matter what it costs.
Intelligence Director Jim Clapper conceded that the Muslim Brotherhood killed Egypt's last 2 leaders, invented suicide vests and founded al-Qaeda. However, now he says they are a mature secular group. It just proves that the coke was much better back in the Seventies.
President Obama had a heated argument on the phone Thursday with Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah over whether the U.S. should stand by Mubarak. The president has a sporting interest in the outcome. Obama will never again complain about his lack of bowling skills on the Tonight Show if he can pick up the Tunisia-Egypt-Saudi Arabia split.
Cairo went wild Friday when Egypt's vice president announced that Hosni Mubarak was resigning. He's replaced by a military council headed by the former secret police chief. Argentina is demanding to know why Egypt gets democracy points with this roster and all Argentina ever gets are people noticing the number of German names in their phone book.
The Discovery Channel said the United States leads the world in shark attacks for the first time in history. It's the recession. For years Australia had the most number of shark attacks but eating an American nowadays is like two meals for the price of one.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton