Jewish World Review Feb. 4, 2011 / 30 Shevat, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Martin Sheen sought conservatorship of Charlie Sheen's assets Tuesday until his son gets well. Why rock the boat? Anyone who makes a million a week working and spends ten thousand a night partying has what we call in Los Angeles, a disciplined saving strategy.
Hosni Mubarak supporters charged into Cairo's Tahrir Square on camels Wednesday, hurling firebombs at protesters. He refuses to leave. President Obama offered him asylum but he's holding out for the Luxor in Las Vegas.
Egypt's army was criticized by both sides of the Cairo unrest Wednesday for running away and disappearing when the firebombs began to fly. It works every time. The Israelis fell for that trick four times in the last four wars and now the Palestinians are their problem.
Anderson Cooper was punched six times by Egyptian street protesters Tuesday while he covered their march for CNN. A lot of people naturally blamed the government for his beating. It's really his own fault for going in there thinking that only Westerners have gay-dar.
Egyptian looters were turned away from the tomb of Pharaoh Ramses by Egyptians who guarded the tomb by locking their arms. The world's best-selling condom is named after Ramses, who had seven hundred sons. It's the only condom approved by the pope.
Chicago was buried by a blizzard on Tuesday which closed airports and schools and highways. Winds off Lake Michigan blew eighteen-foot waves onto Lake Shore Drive in sub-zero temperatures. Rahm Emanuel was never gladder he really lives in Washington.
The Weather Channel reported St. Louis was socked in by a blizzard Tuesday. No one can remember such high winds in Missouri in the winter. Missourians walked outside the next morning and the newspaper on everybody's front porch was the Minneapolis Star Tribune.
Bill Clinton was named Man of the Year by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals because of his public campaign urging everyone to eat vegan. He talked about how easy it was for him to switch to a meat-free diet. All he had to do was eat at Taco Bell.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize Tuesday by a Norwegian lawmaker. He leaked highly secret and damaging State Department cables two months ago but no one can remember what they were anymore. America's first line of defense used to be our missile system, but nowadays it's Attention Deficit Disorder.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton