Jewish World Review Feb. 25, 2010 / 11 Adar 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tiger Woods was retained by Nike Saturday to endorse Nike golf balls. He's had no offers to endorse SUVs. The difference between Tiger Woods' golf ball and his SUV is that he can drive his golf ball three hundred yards without hitting a tree.
The White House refused to rule out ramming a health care bill though Congress through a fifty-one-vote technique called reconciliation. This is new ground. Until now reconciliation was what politicians worked on after they got caught with a hooker.
President Obama proposed his own version of a health care reform bill Monday and demanded that Congress pass it. Animal rights activists are furious. It wasn't bad enough that Barack Obama fed veal to his dog on the dog's birthday, now he's beating a dead horse.
The Dallas Tea Party invited Keith Olbermann to a tea party rally to show he's wrong about their lack of diversity in Dallas. He knows what he saw. Keith couldn't help but notice the one hundred thousand rich white people in the stadium screaming for lower taxes and less government, but who else can afford tickets to Cowboys games?
The FBI began investigating a Pennsylvania school district for handing out two thousand laptops to students with spy cams on them to watch the kids at home. Whose idea was this? Filming teenaged girls could get the school district an Academy Award and exiled to France.
California chain restaurants were forced by a new state law on Monday to begin printing the number of calories next to each item on the menu. It's already hurting business. The next day customers stormed out of the Cheesecake Factory in Beverly Hills rather than pay twelve hundred and thirty dollars for pie a la mode.
Bill Clinton discussed his impeachment with Fox News on Monday as a new book came out about his duel with Ken Starr over the Monica Lewinsky affair. In hindsight it all worked out for him. If Bill Clinton hadn't prolonged the sex scandal he would have had time to tackle health care reform and it would've ended his presidency.
Al-Qaeda's Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty Monday to plotting to bomb a N.Y. subway with chemicals he purchased in a beauty store. It was a failed terrorist attempt. Peroxide isn't enough if you want to destroy mankind, you need silicone implants, too.
Gettysburg National Battlefield hosted a picnic of gun rights advocates Monday celebrating a new law allowing Americans to carry guns in national parks. There are thirteen secession movements in the United States and now there are guns at Gettysburg. President Obama just announced he'll skip the Ford's Theater gala this year.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton