Jewish World Review Feb. 22, 2010 / 8 Adar 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The White House issued food and diet guidelines for America's schools Thursday aimed at producing healthier kids. Nutrition programs can be fun. It's an article of faith among college students that breakfast is the most important drink of the day.
Tiger Woods held a press briefing Friday to discuss his sexual recovery program. The game itself will help him get well. Golf is the only sport that allows you to spend all afternoon with three hookers without losing your wife and your house.
Jack Kennedy's love letters to Swedish mistress Gunilla von Post were auctioned Monday. They met during his honeymoon with Jackie. Fifty percent of Americans rank Jack Kennedy as America's greatest president but ninety percent rate him Best in Show.
Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman refused to greet President Obama Friday. They're natural competitors. The federal government and Las Vegas both take your money, the difference is Las Vegas will bring you a complimentary cocktail while they're taking it.
Al-Qaeda was reportedly recruiting English-speaking terrorists Monday to carry out attacks in the U.S. The competition is gaining on them. After al-Qaeda ran up a big early lead in Americans killed, Toyota has responded with thirty-four unanswered points.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service launched a search-and-destroy mission Tuesday to eliminate the invasive Asian carp in Lake Michigan. Environmentalists are monitoring closely. It's against the law in Michigan to disturb a union burial ground.
UC San Diego students threw a party that parodied Black History Month called the Compton Cookout, which served fried chicken and watermelon and asked women to wear cheap clothes and start fights. Was anyone really insulted? There are so few blacks in San Diego they had to name it after an L.A. town in order to offend anybody.
President Obama appointed a bipartisan commission headed by Erskine Bowles and Alan Simpson to recommend ways to reduce the national debt. They'll either recommend higher taxes or spending cuts, but Republicans won't raise taxes and Democrats won't cut spending. The only thing that can save us now is a bookkeeping error.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton