Jewish World Review Feb. 19, 2010 / 5 Adar 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Weather Channel reported that the third snowstorm in two weeks buried the South and Eastern Seaboard Monday. For hundreds of miles, snow banks along roads are piled five feet high. The good news is that Priuses won't even need brakes until the spring.
France issued a warrant for the arrest of U.S. cyclist and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis for lying to French doping officials. He's Amish. They thought he might be doing steroids when he stopped three times during the race to raise a barn and still won.
Al-Qaeda in Yemen was reported to be recruiting English-speaking terrorists to carry out attacks in the U.S. on Monday. They'll pay big bucks to anyone who's bland and doesn't attract attention. Could this be the job Evan Bayh left the Senate to take?
Senator Evan Bayh announced Monday he's leaving the Senate this fall. Democrats fear he'll mount a presidential primary challenge. Evan Bayh won't say if his next stop is Iowa but he did mention that his favorite character on I Love Lucy is Ethanol.
Senator Bayh's pullout from the fall race ignited a speculative frenzy Tuesday over who will run in Indiana to replace him in the U.S. Senate. Everybody noteworthy in the state of Indiana was asked if they will run. Peyton Manning said he will pass.
The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held in New York's Madison Square Garden this week. The standards were higher than ever in this year's competition. Two Lhasa Apsos were eliminated when they were found to have a credit score under seven hundred.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Thursday Iran has enriched enough uranium to manufacture a nuclear weapon. This anger gets him nowhere. Last week he dared the U.S. military to bomb him in his home and now his kids can't get any playdates.
Hillary Clinton was King Abdullah's guest for lunch in Saudi Arabia Monday. As a gesture of informality the king turned on sports news on a big screen TV during their meeting. It's how heads of state endure Hillary when they don't have an intern program.
U.S. Marines and British armor pushed into the southern Afghan town of Marjah on Monday. It's the financial and marketing center of the poppy and opium trade. On orders from the White House all thriving sectors of the global economy must be crushed.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton