Jewish World Review Feb. 3, 2010 / 19 Shevat 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
CBS Sports rejected the Super Bowl ad for ManCrunch Saturday. It shows two men watching the game when their hands touch in the potato chip bowl, unleashing their gay passion for each other. It will be resubmitted as a U.S. Army recruiting commercial.
The Weather Channel showed an ice storm freezing Texas, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Alabama. Roads are iced over and power is out. For the first time in one hundred years, Michigan can recruit high school football players by bragging about its weather.
The White House began a probe of the BCS under antitrust laws. They will check all precedents. There may be something in the surrender papers at Appomattox that limits the number of Southern teams that can play in the championship game every year.
Phil Mickelson was accused of cheating during the Farmers Insurance Open in La Jolla. He used the twenty-year-old Ping Wedge Two with now-illegal square grooves for maximum backspin at impact. One clunk and Tiger Woods was on his way to sex rehab.
Toyota apologized Saturday for faulty gas pedals on four million vehicles just recalled. When you press the pedal down it stays down and the car accelerates out of control. Whoever designed the gas pedal should be fired and made Treasury Secretary.
President Obama met Saturday with George H.W. Bush and son Jeb Bush at the White House. The president was glad to meet Jeb. He blamed George W. Bush for the economy and George H.W. Bush for Iraq, and it's nice to have a Bush in the bank for future blame.
Senator Susan Collins ripped President Obama Saturday for the FBI's questioning of the Christmas Day airline bomber for only fifty minutes before letting him lawyer up. We know where this is going. Every day Obama spends sticking up for a terrorist's right to remain silent, Hillary Clinton schedules another meet-and-greet event in Iowa.
The White House yielded to pressure Saturday and agreed to move Khalid Sheik Muhammed's trial out of Manhattan. Put your money on Guantanamo. It can't be in any congressional district that's having an election, and that pretty much leaves Cuba.
John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter sued Friday to retrieve a sex tape they made. He was almost elected vice president and wanted to be Obama's Attorney General. Comedians can only lie awake each night and think about what might have been.
California mountain streams were reported to be swarming with gold prospectors Saturday. Gold prices just passed one thousand dollars an ounce and recent rainstorms have loosened new sediment that's streaming into the rivers. Sporting goods stores are full of blonde golddiggers asking each other if these wading boots make them look fat.
The Census Bureau reports that thanks to job losses, they've recruited the most highly-skilled workforce in history. Census-takers include engineers, professors and bankers. Everywhere they knock on the door, they'll ask the same questions: how many people live in the house, what are their ages, and do they know of any openings?
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton