Jewish World Review Feb. 2, 2010 / 18 Shevat 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Osama bin Laden issued a statement Friday in which he blamed the United States for global warming. He urged the entire world to boycott U.S. goods and to bring the American economy to a halt. Americans were just happy to hear it wasn't already there.
NBC reported Monday the network will lose a quarter billion dollars during the Winter Olympics. It's an accounting maneuver. The Winter Games will make money but a quarter billion is what it costs NBC to lay off ten talk show hosts at market rates.
The PGA Tour arrives in Los Angeles for the Northern Trust Open at the Riviera Country Club Thursday. The stars all turn out. Warren Beatty's new biography says he slept with twelve thousand women, making him the second-ranked golfer in the world.
Tom Watson criticized Tiger Woods for his sexual misbehavior Friday, saying he must make amends and show humility when he returns. He added that Tiger's swearing and club-throwing projects the wrong image for golf. He's right, this isn't ladies' tennis.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi was revealed Friday to have spent a hundred thousand dollars on booze and snacks aboard Air Force jets in the last two years. She lives better than the average voter. She's got the last plane in America that still serves peanuts.
House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn said Friday he doesn't trust the Senate and called it the House of Lords for stalling social progress. Episcopalians and Methodists fear what's coming next. Once progressives get rid of the Lords' veto, fox hunting is next.
President Obama refused to attend the fun-filled annual Alfalfa Club dinner in Washington Saturday. There's no one left to write gags for him. He killed all his joke writers when he put them to work drafting the health care plan and the jobs bill.
The White House canceled moon missions Friday despite scientists' urging that we must colonize other planets. President Obama isn't buying it. It's bad enough we're running the show in Haiti but if we start colonizing other planets, he's going to have to apologize to the British Empire for all the mean things he said growing up.
The White House responded to New York City's concerns Friday and began searching for another location for the trial of Khalid Sheik Muhammed. They don't want to turn Manhattan into one giant airport security check line. Mayor Rudy Giuliani got the naked people out of Times Square ten years ago and people don't want to go backwards.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton