Jewish World Review Feb. 1, 2010 / 18 Shevat 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tim Tebow and his mother did a pro-life Super Bowl ad in which she says how happy she is that she ignored a doctor's order to abort Tim. We haven't heard the last of this issue. Pro-choice forces are looking for John Edwards's mother to shoot a rebuttal ad.
Richard Nixon's grandson Christopher Nixon Cox began running for Congress this week in a Long Island shopping center. He's the son of the former president's daughter Tricia. The Republican brand is recovering so fast that even the Nixons can run again.
California got a grant to begin planning for high-speed passenger rail service Thursday. No one in L.A. cares if the engineers are texting at two hundred miles an hour. It's faster to be extricated from wreckage than to get through airport security.
Senator Dianne Feinstein demanded Thursday that the al-Qaeda terror trials be moved out of New York City. That settles it. Leave it to the senator from the Great State of the O.J. Simpson Trial to know what can happen when you put these people in front of a jury.
Osama bin Laden issued a tape Tuesday taking credit for the Underwear Bomber's attack on an airliner over Detroit on Christmas. He has no idea if it succeeded. Looking at an aerial view of Detroit you can't tell if the bomb went off or it didn't.
Hillary Clinton attended meetings in London Wednesday to discuss how to help Yemen. The locals grow a bush called Gat that combines the effects of cocaine and pot when the leaves are chewed. It sounds like all Yemen needs is a free-trade treaty and an air strip large enough for a C-130.
PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem called John Daly Wednesday to congratulate him on his new sobriety. The tour has a real addiction problem. The PGA can't break its dependence on the TV ratings that are generated by the alcoholic and the sex addict that the public will pay to see.
Ford announced Wednesday it will open a manufacturing plant on the south side of Chicago. How wild. The cars will have so many bullet holes in them when they come off the assembly line, the radio buttons will be pre-set to hip-hop stations.
President Obama lost the support Thursday of the beautiful Obama Girl who sang the You Tube hit, Crush on Obama, during the campaign. She wants him more focused on the U.S. economy. He's been president for a year and she still doesn't have an agent.
Michelle Obama launched an anti-obesity campaign Thursday, telling reporters her daughters gained too much weight until she took action. It wasn't the daughters' fault. If your parents made you spend a whole year at the Iowa State Fair, you'd gain weight, too.
President Obama used his State of the Union speech Wednesday to berate the U.S. Supreme Court to their faces. He sounded like a South American dictator. That would explain the nice campaign donation he got from Banana Republic in appreciation of the free ad.
Nancy Pelosi demanded that the president's proposed spending freeze also apply to Pentagon spending. She's not kidding. The next time she wants U.S. military jets to take her entourage to Copenhagen she expects them to tell her it is not in the budget.
President Obama proposed thirty-three billion dollars in tax breaks for small businesses that hire new workers. Our national pride is at stake. It's been so long since someone tried to sneak across the Mexican border to find work in America that the Minutemen have left and the Border Patrol agents are sitting in their folding chairs.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton