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Jewish World Review Feb. 23, 2009 / 27 Shevat 5769 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
New York's Fashion Week began Friday with the new clothing lines being modeled in front of buyers and celebrities sitting along the runway. The recession has hit the fashion industry hard. Some of those models look like they haven't eaten in two years.
Bud Selig said Tuesday that he wants to meet with Alex Rodriguez about steroid use. So does the government. They're about to release the stimulus package and they want to know how many cc's they can inject into the economy without it growing breasts.
Tiger Woods announced Friday he'll return to the PGA Tour this week after knee surgery knocked him off the tour for seven long months. He's anxious to get back to work. All his corporate sponsors paid him in company stock and now he is destitute.
Tiger Woods said Thursday he will return to the PGA Tour at the Accenture Match Play Championship in Tucson. He returns to a new world. Every time Tiger Woods shoots a birdie the government will add two strokes to his score to make sure it's fair for everyone else.
Tiger Woods' coach Hank Haney tried to fix Charles Barkley's famously bad golf swing in a new series called The Haney Project. It backfired. By the seventh lesson Hank Haney is drinking behind the wheel with a hooker he met in the casino on his lap.
Muzak filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy in a Delaware court last week. There is no need for soothing background orchestra music in a bank building's elevator during a run on the bank. The only thing anybody wants to play is the theme from Jaws.
Muzak filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy in a Delaware court last week. There is no need for soothing background orchestra music in a bank building's elevator during a run on the bank. The only thing anybody wants to play is the theme from Jaws.
Bill Clinton said Friday that President Obama should speak more positively and optimistically about the economy. He always sounds cranky. The biggest mistake since the Smoot-Hawley tariff was electing a president who is trying to quit smoking.
North Korea threatened war Friday as Secretary of State Hillary Clinton landed in South Korea for an official visit. There's nothing the U.S. can do to keep North Korea from attacking. We have enough trouble trying to keep the chimps from attacking.
President Obama signed an environmental agreement while in Canada Thursday. We must become better stewards. Just imagine the millions of trees we could save if Democrats could balance a budget or if Republicans could keep the ball on the fairway.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi flew a House delegation to Rome Tuesday aboard a U.S. government jet which costs taxpayers ten thousand dollars an hour. And why not? She's the highest ranking Italian-American in history to go to Italy who was not deported there.
Chicago officials revealed Friday that Barack Obama still owes the city nearly two million for his election night victory party in Grant Park. This is a lesson for us all. As soon as you give someone a free house they stop paying all their bills.
President Obama invited eighty-six mayors to the White House Friday. He warned them he will name them and shame them if they waste the bailout money, and the crowd of mayors laughed out loud. It's the biggest laugh anyone from Chicago has gotten since John Belushi told a class of incoming freshmen to study hard and drink moderately. Illinois Governor Pat Quinn demanded Friday that Senator Roland Burris resign from the U.S. Senate. Burris neglected to mention he was asked to raise money for the disgraced former governor who appointed him. The Westminster Kennel Club's winning dog just offered to donate his hind leg to science for research on Illinois politics. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton |
Mitch Albom | |||||||||||
