Jewish World Review Feb. 19, 2009 / 25 Shevat 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Alex Rodriguez admitted taking the steroid primobolan six years ago at a press conference on Tuesday. He said the drug is legal over the counter in the Dominican Republic. So are thirteen-year-old girls, but that excuse didn't work for Roman Polanski.
Bud Selig insisted Monday that Major League Baseball tried to stop steroid use back in the Nineties. There's no question that the stuff works. Ten years ago St. Louis named an eight-lane freeway after Mark McGwire and today it's sixteen lanes wide.
Las Vegas went on alert Tuesday for blackjack players using an iPhone program which counts cards. The programmers wanted to guarantee that every time you bet, you're a winner. Before they wrote this program, they were mortgage brokers in Orange County.
The La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles yielded prehistoric bone fossils from the Ice Age Monday. The animals got stuck in the oil. Barack Obama's alternative fuels program could have saved them if only Congress had passed it forty thousand years ago.
President Obama flies to Canada today for top level meetings about Afghanistan border security and mutual trade. The country is our top energy partner. Canada is America's number-one supplier of oil and gas and wind if you don't count McDonald's.
President Obama removed a bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Office where it sat for decades and returned it to the British Embassy. What an outrage. First he overthrows capitalism for socialism and now our mother country's going to be Kenya.
President Obama flew to Denver Tuesday to sign the economic stimulus bill into law at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. He got a good look at the solar panels on the roof. He went up there for a smoke and he just happened to see them.
Bill Clinton spent the week doing TV interviews on all the cable shows to push his Global Initiative. It wasn't his idea. Hillary Clinton refused to go to Asia unless her husband stayed in front of a television camera the entire time she was gone.
Connecticut cops killed a pet chimp which attacked its owner's friend late Monday. The night before, a turkey buzzard forced down a private plane by smashing into the windshield, just weeks after Canadian geese crashed into the engines of a US Airways jet. Al Gore says it's evidence of global warming when animals become hot-headed.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton