Jewish World Review Feb. 16, 2009 / 22 Shevat 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles Clippers former general manager Elgin Baylor sued team owner Donald Sterling Thursday alleging he ran the team like a Southern plantation. For crying out loud, this is Los Angeles. The whippings in the locker room were sexual, not racist.
Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada plea-bargained with federal prosecutors over his untruthful testimony to congressional staffers about steroid use. He pleaded guilty to lying to Congress. It's the moral equivalent of overcharging an oil company.
Nadya Suleman was revealed Friday to be supporting her six children with food stamps, disability and welfare, and that was before she had eight babies who are still in the hospital at state expense. Californians are getting resentful. She has personally caused the layoff of two teachers and the cancellation of a highway project.
Sean Penn announced Thursday he will star in a movie about the life of Larry Fine of the Three Stooges. Finding people to play Moe and Curly won't be any problem. At the rate people are leaving the Obama cabinet there are plenty of stooges available.
President Obama will give his State of the Union speech in the U.S. Capitol next week. He will address a joint session of Congress and the gallery. The gallery
is for spectators and disinterested bystanders, but the Republicans have to sit somewhere.
Toyota announced Tuesday it will lay off ten percent of its U.S. workforce. Its three thousand U.S. executives will get cuts in salary and no bonuses. Franklin D. Roosevelt counterattacked over less damage than this and ended the Great Depression.
Illinois's impeached former governor Rod Blagojevich was offered a minor league baseball contract by the Joliet Jackhammers Thursday. The team should offer him a job in the box office. No one has more experience selling seats than Rod Blagojevich.
The Weather Channel aired footage of tornado destruction in Oklahoma and Texas Monday. The next day contractors reported huge orders from senior citizens buying tornado shelters. Southerners aren't afraid to die, but they're not about to be killed.
The U.S. Navy captured sixteen Somali pirates in a ship off Africa Friday. The pirates were seizing Saudi oil tankers, holding them ransom, then throwing beer and cocaine parties with hookers in Mogadishu with the ransom money. These guys are smarter than we thought, if they had invested this money they'd have nothing to show for it.
Hillary Clinton was sent on a diplomatic mission to Asia over the weekend. She left on Valentine's Day and will be out of the country for a week. President Obama wanted to do something nice for Bill Clinton after forcing him to disclose his donors.
Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada might be sent home to the Dominican Republic by the Immigration Department after lying to Congress about steroids. There are similar stories. When Lucky Luciano came to America as a little boy a hundred years ago he had one nickel, and by the time he was deported he was worth fifty million dollars.
Kellogg's was boycotted by marijuana activists Monday for firing Michael Phelps as their commercial spokesman because he smoked pot. Athletes are risky role models. It's why Tony the Tiger always tells his wife not to worry, he'll get his job back soon enough.
Mayor Oscar Goodman demanded President Obama apologize Thursday for denouncing banks that hold conventions in Las Vegas. It's bad. There have been so many cancellations in Las Vegas that Harry Reid had to slip a bailout for hookers into the stimulus package.
Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss halted plans for a male-staffed brothel in Nevada to service women. It didn't work. The business had the same problem that every other business in America is having, too many job applicants and not enough customers.
Nadya Suleman's NBC Dateline interview drew huge ratings Tuesday. The octuplet mom got an offer from an Indiana farmer to move in with him and his family. If she moves in with him, the state could get one more congressional seat in the next census.
Congress faced off against the nation's leading bankers in televised hearings last week. There was much screaming about wasted money, irresponsible actions, lavish perks and travel aboard corporate jets. The bankers really gave it to the congressmen.
Florida gun stores reported Thursday that ammunition is flying off the shelves in record amounts in Palm Beach. It's earth-friendly. The shooters intend to get the bullets back after they dissect Bernie Madoff, so they get a tax break for recycling.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton