Jewish World Review Feb. 3, 2009 / 9 Shevat 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Roger Clemens's syringes were analyzed for performance-enhancing drugs Saturday at the nation's top doping lab. Everything is confidential. However, if anything tests positive he will be forced to give up his title as winner of the Kentucky Derby.
President Obama's younger brother George Obama was busted by Nairobi police in his native Kenya Friday for marijuana possession. He's living in a shack with no mortgage and he's high. Now that's the Obama who should be making our decisions for us.
Joe Torre ignited a firestorm among his old New York Yankees team when his new tell-all came out last week. He reveals who likes who, who hates who, and who has a crush on who. It is so adolescent even the pictures in the book are yearbook photos.
Deion Sanders was blamed in a new book for breaking up the Dallas Cowboys' last dynasty. The trouble started when he brought religion on the team. A religious civil war broke out between the guys who worship strippers and the guys who worship cocaine.
The FDA began a criminal investigation Saturday into the salmonella poisoning from peanut butter products from the American Peanut Company in Georgia. Salmonella causes diarrhea and vomiting. Skippy's thinking of marketing itself as a weight-loss product.
The House passed a huge stimulus bill laden with pork Thursday. Now the Senate gets to add its pet projects. The reason that the nuclear bomb shelter for Congress is underneath an old cavalry fort in Maryland is so they'll never be far from a trough.
Iraq held local elections Saturday as Sunnis voted for the first time. Security was tight and everyone who voted left the polls with a purple ink-stained finger. If Minnesotans were this careful with their elections they would have a senator by now.
President Obama warned radio listeners on Saturday that economic recovery will take years, just one day after he said the economy was a continuing catastrophe. It's so sad. Ten days ago Barack Obama was so full of hope and today he's an air raid siren.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton