Jewish World Review Feb. 2, 2009 / 8 Shevat 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Colorado's Supermax federal prison was put under consideration on Thursday as a place to house the terrorist suspects leaving Guantanamo. How bleak is this prison? When Bob Hope entertained the troops here the girl in the show was Janet Reno.
Hamas declared victory over Israel Friday after the Israeli air campaign wiped out their infrastructure. Their tunnels were destroyed, their hideouts were bombed and their arms factories were leveled. It's the biggest victory since Lehman Brothers.
Exxon Mobil announced record profits Friday. They made forty-five billion dollars last year. Oil companies used to be the villains, but now that they're the only industry in America that doesn't need a bailout, they're entitled to an apology and maybe reparations.
Las Vegas oddsmakers estimated Friday that half the adults in the United States bet on the Super Bowl. It's the same old story. Half the country will lose every bet they make and they will still expect eighteen billion dollars in year-end bonuses.
The Super Bowl crowd was screened by facial recognition cameras in the stadium Sunday. Bomb sniffing dogs patrolled the parking lot and overhead aircraft were banned from the sky. The terrorists used to hate us for our freedoms, but now it's just out of habit.
The Super Bowl did not bring the expected jump in business to Tampa this past weekend. Normally the host city is where CEOs of major national advertisers get together and party. This year the inventor of Snuggies did blow with the Sham Wow guy.
President Obama signed an order Friday to strengthen labor unions. The day before, he mandated California's emission standards. American cars will soon be so expensive that anyone driving one will automatically be targeted for follow-home robberies.
President Obama labeled the U.S. economy a continuing disaster Friday. His press secretary said the doomsday tone is necessary to pass his programs. He tried to promote hope and change and a brighter future but he couldn't get it through Congress.
The Peanut Corporation of America recalled all the products containing peanut paste or peanut oil from its Georgia plant. It caused a salmonella outbreak. The difference between salmonella and Rod Blagojevich is that salmonella can see itself out.
Al Gore warned Congress Wednesday that any delay on global warming legislation will end up destroying polar life. He put on a compelling slide show. Apparently the mating ritual for penguins has been reduced to insincere chit-chat in the hot tub.
The Washington Post released a commemorative edition of their Inauguration Day edition after the original sold ten million copies. Newspaper sales have shot way up during this presidency. Just try sleeping on a park bench with a computer over you.
The Caribbean island nation of Antigua announced Wednesday it will rename the highest mountain on the island Mount Obama. It's entirely appropriate. After all, Barack Obama is America's first black president since the second season of Twenty-Four.
President Obama invited leaders of the House and Senate to the White House for cocktails Wednesday hoping to reach legislative agreement over drinks. It can't do any harm. Everyone agrees they couldn't spend any more money drunk than they did sober.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton