Jewish World Review Feb. 29, 2008 / 23 Adar I 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him with lying to Congress. It's not like everybody believed him and invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said.
Michael Jackson reportedly got a loan Wednesday to avoid foreclosure on Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. It has outlived its usefulness. After all the publicity that the house has gotten, there's no way the neighbors still think it's a junior high.
Hillary Clinton on Tuesday found herself barely holding on in the polls in Texas, slightly leading in Ohio and just ahead in Pennsylvania, and she must win all three or she's finished. No wonder the turnout has been so good. Hollywood has known for a hundred years that nothing draws a crowd like tying a blonde to the railroad tracks.
Barack Obama's church faces an IRS probe for letting him make a political speech at the church's convention. No problem. The church has a million hours of cable news footage to prove he is Jesus, so they will have no trouble proving it was just a business trip.
Cincinnati radio host Bill Cunningham slammed John McCain for repudiating his onstage intro of the senator, during which he called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. It's crazy. The radio guy decided in anger to endorse Hillary Clinton, who is refusing his endorsement saying he's too soft on Barack Obama.
Hillary Clinton spoke for three hours in a gymnasium in Ohio on Wednesday. It's absolutely amazing how nature always replenishes itself. The moment Fidel Castro retires from public life, another party member arises to take the three-hour time slot.
The Supreme Court heard arguments Wednesday on the Exxon Valdez oil spill caused by pilot Joseph Hazelwood eighteen years ago in Alaska. What a mess. To this day no speaker can follow him at AA meetings when he details the damage done by his drinking.
The House Commerce Committee tried to force pro sports to freeze athletes' blood and store it for future HGH testing. The administration opposes the idea, calling it unconstitutional. Republicans are constitutionally opposed to bleeding rich people.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton