Jewish World Review Feb. 25, 2008 / 19 Adar I 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Academy Award nominees for Best Actor on Sunday were actors who played an assassin, a gangster, a bank robber, an attorney and an oil man. This year all the bad guys are white males. It's what the Democratic Party calls the tide of history.
Hillary Clinton denied on Friday that her praise for Barack Obama in the Texas debate was a concession speech. She knows what she's doing. She figures if she can stay in the race until Easter there's a chance that Barack Obama will just float away.
The New England Patriots were reported Friday to have been secretly videotaping other teams for six years. The tapes were destroyed. The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl, the neighbors complained about the loud party at the Nixon Library.
Fidel Castro met with reporters after announcing his resignation on Friday and said he's physically exhausted and he's going to take a vacation. It's obvious what he's going to do next. He's defeated nine U.S. presidents, he's going to Disneyland.
Harry Caray's bar in Chicago invited fans to share a one-hundred-gallon mug of beer Friday to mark the one hundred years since the Cubs won the World Series. So you see the problem. Chicagoans fight a flu epidemic the same way they play baseball.
Snoop Dogg was ticketed in New York for pot possession Friday. He was arrested three times for pot, once for cocaine and gun possession and he's been acquitted of murder. He is thirty-six years old, which is one hundred and eighty in rap star years.
Roger Clemens may have attended a party at Jose Canseco's home which he had hotly denied attending. A photo of him at the party taken by an eleven-year-old boy has surfaced. If Hillary was president, children wouldn't have to sell tabloid photos to pay for college.
The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama's speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There's no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it's Dallas, what could happen?
The NBA season resumed Tuesday after a spectacular All-Star weekend that showcased new stars. The quality of play has fans on their feet. The Los Angeles Lakers look so great that people are already picking out a place to burn down in June.
Raul Castro took over the reins of power in Cuba Tuesday. Street parties broke out in Havana. The Cuban people are like the woman who enjoyed the happiest day of her life when she walked up to the altar, kissed her husband, and then closed the lid.
Barack Obama drew eighteen thousand adoring fans to Reunion Arena in Dallas on Tuesday as he battled a head cold. They even applauded him when he blew his nose onstage. Billy Graham sent him a note offering him one hundred dollars for that trick.
Hillary Clinton performed deftly in the Texas debate on Thursday. She finessed a question about a border wall by going into a long description of smart fencing. You don't stay married to Errol Flynn without learning a thing or two about smart fencing.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton