Jewish World Review Feb. 19, 2008 / 13 Adar I 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams suggested last week that Britain permit Sharia law for Muslim citizens. It permits stoning, amputation, lashings and beheading by sword. That kind of thing only belongs in Muslim countries and American reality shows.
The Chicago Auto Show showcased new hybrid cars made in Detroit and Japan this past week. The things still don't go fast enough. The attitude in Los Angeles is, what's the use of fifty miles a gallon if when you get there everyone's already left?
Paris Hilton got in trouble Friday when she said she owns seventeen dogs. Only commercial breeders can have more than three. Someone must tell her that having sex with a car while shooting a fast-food commercial doesn't make you a commercial breeder.
Steven Spielberg resigned in protest Friday as the artistic advisor to China's Summer Olympics opening ceremonies. It was inevitable. Ever since the communists began implementing free market economic reforms they've lost the support of Hollywood.
Hillary Clinton hinted Sunday that Barack Obama was afraid to face her onstage in a new debate. It's true she may be a little too strong. Roger Clemens's trainer recognized her in the U.S. Capitol hallways last week and she was walking away from him.
Bill Clinton campaigned for his wife in Ohio on Sunday. He was harassed by one angry heckler during his speech and again out on the rope line. When Hillary told him to court the superdelegates, she forgot to remind him to always call the next day.
The NBA All-Star game in New Orleans Sunday featured a halftime show starring legendary jazz musicians. In the big finale, dancers wearing NBA Cares tee-shirts built two houses right there on the basketball court. The second half was delayed forty minutes while the officials blamed FEMA for the shoddy construction.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell met with Senator Arlen Specter about the New England Patriots spying scandal. The league office destroyed videotape of illegal activity. Everybody on Capitol Hill wants to meet Roger Goodell and find out if he does parties.
Roger Clemens testified in Congress about charges he used steroids late in his career. Why single him out? George Washington was in his forties when he threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River and nobody put his name in the Mitchell Report.
New York Assemblyman Jeff Aubrey ripped a proposed sales tax on cocaine saying dealers already pay too much for fines and defense lawyers. It's a growth industry. Last week three dealers were arrested still wearing their real estate company blazers.
Hillary Clinton was endorsed by Senator John Glenn. You cannot make it up. John Glenn was a Korean War fighter jet ace, the first American to orbit earth, and the oldest man to go in space, and they say his endorsement gives Hillary gravitas.
Hillary Clinton's deputy campaign manager Mike Henry resigned Tuesday after her campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle stepped down to spend more time with her children. It took a day to work out details of his departure. As soon as he said he was leaving to spend more time with Patti Solis Doyle's children, the cops showed up.
Larry King asked Michele Obama what she loves about her husband. She said he takes the kids trick-or-treating, he came home for Christmas and he always remembers their wedding anniversary. It's what we call in Hollywood the little things.
The Los Angeles City Council weighed a bill to stop photographers from chasing after celebrities in their cars. The insurance companies oppose the bill. They like to have a complete photographic record whenever a Mercedes Benz is involved in a wreck.
Sports Illustrated photographed its swimsuit issue models in the Cayman Islands for the first time. That's where billionaires hide their money and spend their winters. It's a brilliant way to get that money back to the U.S. through divorce courts.
Patty Hearst and her bulldog Diva won the second-place prize for Best-in-Breed at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show Monday. She didn't have it on a leash. Once you make a dog feel like she is a part of the revolution, she teaches herself to stay.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton