Jewish World Review Feb. 14, 2008 / 8 Adar I 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Shaquille O'Neal started practicing Monday with his new team, the Phoenix Suns. His legend precedes him. Shaquille O'Neal's arrival in Phoenix with Valentine's Day approaching reminds us all that love is grand, and divorce is a hundred grand a month.
Barack Obama took the lead in the presidential polls on Tuesday following more primary victories. The Illinois senator got his tenth win in a row, and suddenly Republicans are starting to worry. He is just one win away from Byron Nelson's record.
Paris Hilton's little brother was arrested for DUI Tuesday a month after Britney Spears' little sister got pregnant. It's dangerous when younger siblings recklessly seek attention. Last week police had to be called after Jeb Bush endorsed John McCain.
New York officials worried Monday over fan behavior at the last game to be played in Yankee Stadium this fall. It's a scary thought. They may tear Yankee Stadium apart, but if they've got a search warrant there's nothing the trainer can do except testify.
Ball Four author Jim Bouton was honored by the Friars Club Friday. He inspired millions of Little Leaguers. After reading his book and finding out how athletes drink, gamble and chase women, every kid thinks he can grow up to be a New York Yankee.
Roger Clemens testified to the House Oversight Committee about steroid charges Wednesday. They want to know where he got the stuff. With the help of performance-enhancing drugs, congressmen could be on the phone raising money eighteen hours a day.
Amy Winehouse won five Grammy Awards in Los Angeles Sunday but she was denied a visa to enter the United States from Britain to perform on the show due to drug charges. She had to be beamed to the show via satellite. That's how high she was.
Las Vegas was named epicenter of the home mortgage crisis Monday. Everyone used teaser-rate loans to buy homes they can't afford. The only way to keep from losing money in Las Vegas is to walk into the propeller right after you get off the airplane.
U.S. Navy jets intercepted Russian bombers that buzzed the carrier USS Nimitz Sunday. They're tired of hearing U.S. officials say al-Qaeda is the number-one threat to America. The Russians might have lost the Cold War but they still have their pride.
The Archbishop of Canterbury said Friday strict Muslim law in parts of Britain is inevitable. It means women would have rights in some parts of London and be like slaves in others. Everyone is racking their brains to find ways to compete with China.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton