Jewish World Review Feb. 11, 2008 / 5 Adar I 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Britney Spears sued her parents Friday to regain control of
her forty million dollar fortune. It's easy to prove her mental
competence. All she has to do is convince the judge that she will
make better use of forty million dollars than Mitt Romney did.
Britney Spears was escorted from UCLA Hospital's psychiatric ward to the Beverly Hills Hotel Wednesday. It's so sad. The Writers Guild has so crippled Hollywood that the Beverly Hills Hotel is having to house mental patients to keep the doors open.
Bill and Hillary Clinton's courtship was profiled by NBC
News Thursday. They took awhile to get hitched. He was planning to
propose to her out on the golf course one morning, but he birdied
the first three holes and figured, why spoil a good round?
The Gospel Music Channel aired a show Saturday featuring the
first gospel choir made up of National Football League players.
The players sing and sway and clap and praise the Lord in jubilant
harmony. For crying out loud, it was just a touchdown.
Roger Clemens met with U.S. congressmen in the Capitol
Friday. They asked him to stop by. Congress was putting together a
stimulus package, and they wanted Roger Clemens' advice on how
many cc's they can safely inject without growing breasts.
Roger Clemens' trainer, Brian McNamee, gave DNA evidence to
the FBI that he says proves he shot Roger Clemens with steroids.
After ten years, there's one thing we know about DNA evidence. It
won't put him in prison but it might get him impeached.
The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning to plastic
surgery patients Friday that a chemical in Botox may cause
difficulty swallowing. This is only going to improve sales in Los
Angeles. Not only do you look younger, you lose weight.
Mitt Romney dropped out of the GOP race for president
Thursday after spending forty million dollars of his own money on
a failed campaign. It wasn't his fault. The country is just not
ready yet for a white guy to be president of the United States.
Ron Paul announced Friday that suicide terrorism expert
Robert Pape of the University of Chicago is joining his campaign as
an adviser. This can only mean one thing. Ron Paul has decided to
run as a third-party candidate and blow up the Republican party with him.
Saudi Arabia arrested a U.S. businesswoman working in Riyadh Tuesday for sitting inside a Starbucks in public with a man. The lack of freedom is ridiculous in that country. Riyadh has the only comedy club in the world with a cemetery on the premises.
The Super Bowl's record ratings Sunday were followed by the usual February fan letdown. That will change this week. On any day, you can turn on CSPAN and watch the Senate play the New England Patriots or watch the House try to hit Roger Clemens.
Brian McNamee gave federal agents the syringes and gauze pads he said he used to inject Roger Clemens with steroids. He turned over the DNA after Clemens denied it under oath. Roger Clemens wishes he could sit down just once after a session with Brian McNamee.
Mitt Romney quit the GOP race Thursday after he spent forty million dollars of his own money in a failed effort. He should thank his lucky stars. It kept the forty million out of the stock market and out of real estate, so he wound up way ahead.
Howard Dean warned against a brokered Democratic party convention this summer with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama virtually tied in primary delegates. Five hundred at-large super delegates can vote any way they like. The next Secretary of State will only be able to serve three days now that there will be five hundred of them.
U.S. officials expressed concern Thursday about the health of Iraq's top Shiite cleric, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani. He's sharply reduced his workload lately. Either he's about to die, or he just got offered a part as district attorney on Law and Order.
The World Health Organization said Wednesday that tobacco could kill a billion people by the century's end if governments don't adopt anti-smoking policies. They should make up their minds. Either they think overpopulation is a problem or they don't.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton