Jewish World Review Feb. 4, 2008 / 28 Shevat 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Super Bowl drew a hundred million viewers for the Fox Network Sunday. Some people think the ads were the best part. The commercials were so clever and funny that a beer is the leading presidential candidate in the California polls today.
John McCain aired new ads touting his national security platform Friday. While others talk about the U.S. economy, he's running ads promising to continue the war. Nothing's scarier than a seventy-two-year-old man who's willing to die for his country.
Barack Obama hinted Friday that illegal immigrant opponents are racists, saying no one's concerned about immigrants from Ireland. That's not true. Hillary Clinton is very concerned about immigrants from Ireland ever since the Kennedys endorsed Obama.
Britney Spears was committed involuntarily to the mental ward at UCLA Hospital by her family and psychiatrist Thursday. It fooled no one in Hollywood. One week from now, she will be back out on the Sunset Strip with bigger breasts and a new nose.
Wesley Snipes was found guilty of three misdemeanor charges of failure to file three federal tax returns Friday. However, he was found not guilty of felony charges of defrauding the government. It was really smart of him to hire Halliburton's lawyers.
Liverpool celebrated the grand opening of the Hard Days Night Hotel Friday. It was built by the club owner who gave the group their first gig fifty years ago. The man turned down ten million dollars from Paul McCartney to say it was forty years ago.
West Virginia lawmakers introduced a bill Friday to teach shooting and hunting etiquette in high school physical education classes. It's a huge change. For years West Virginia schools have taught hunting and shooting in Marriage and Family classes.
San Francisco residents endured a three million gallon raw sewage spill in San Francisco Bay on Friday which fouled the air, poisoned the water and endangered wildlife. It's obvious what happened. The captain of the Exxon Valdez is a plumber now.
Exxon Mobil posted the largest quarterly and annual profit of any industry in U.S. history Friday. The numbers are astounding. No one wants to say oil profits are obscene, but this month's centerfold in Playboy is the Texas congressional delegation.
California was the scene of frantic presidential campaigning Friday. There are more people in Los Angeles County than the entire state of Michigan. Thank goodness they don't need their sidewalks shoveled or the candidates might not make it out alive.
Oprah Winfrey went onstage for Barack Obama in Los Angeles on Sunday. She has to change her act from her Chicago routine. If she waved a set of Pontiac keys at a Los Angeles crowd, people would hold up a cross at her to ward off the American car.
Hillary Clinton debated Barack Obama at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood Thursday. During the last debate they bickered and fought but this time they smiled and praised each other. The audience at the debate would have known that make-up sex is the best, if everyone in Hollywood didn't move on as soon as the waiter put the check on the table.
Bill Clinton attacked Ted Kennedy for endorsing President Bush's No Child Left Behind after Teddy attacked Bill Clinton for being divisive. They used to have so much in common. No one's seen two dogs fight like this since Michael Vick was locked up.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton